Favorite Foods

Hello! My name is Clownface and I'm a bulimic.

I think of my bulimia like many people think of alcoholism. While I've been in recovery for more than 20 years, my eating disorder will be with me for my entire life.

I actively and regularly binged from age 16 to age 21. It was only after I finished college and was living on my own that I figured out the magic of purging. I stopped purging at age 25, at the same time I stopped living by myself. I knew I couldn't keep my behaviors a secret, and because my shame about my behaviors was so great, I knew I couldn't bear being confronted about them. So I quit. Cold turkey.

Twenty-one years later, I can read my emotional triggers when I start to crave my favorite binge foods. These were:

• Anything from McDonalds or Burger King: I used to drive home from my part-time job in college, motoring through every drive-thru window along the way, eating a complete meal. In the 20 minutes it took to get to my house, I'd easily have consumed at least 2,000 calories. One of the few memories of my dad involves him bringing home McDonald's for family dinner. I've since come to realize that the McDonald's binge is about daddy. 
  
  
  
• Cookies: When I was a little girl, I thought people who ate store-bought cookies were rich. (We always had homemade cookies.) Nevertheless, my mom would occasionally have a secret stash of Oreos or other store-bought treats. As soon as I figured out where they were, I'd have my way with them. And at Christmas time, my mom always made more Christmas cookies than one family needed. She'd store them in weathered holiday tins in our front vestibule, which was so drafty that it functioned as sort of an icebox for us. I used to sneak into tiny "room," sit down, and eat. As an adult, I love to bake but I also know I need to get the food out of the house as quickly as it has cooled to remove any temptation to binge. I've since come to realize that the Oreos binge is about my longing for my mom and the feelings associated with material goods being out of reach.
  
• Ben and Jerry's: In college, I could toddle down to the on-campus convenience store, purchase a pint of Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream, and eat it all within 10 minutes. All of it. Several times a week. Luckily, I'm now lactose intolerant. Unluckily, Ben & Jerry's dairy-free ice cream is as good as the real stuff. When I want ice cream now, I know this means something is up on the feelings front. 
  
• Ground turkey mixed with mushroom soup and white rice: This was an easy and quick family dinner we called "glop." In my early twenties, I would make and eat an entire pan of it in one sitting - pound of ground turkey, two cans of soup, heaps of rice. I've since come to realize this binge is about longing for family. And I still make this recipe. But, when I crave it, I'll restrict myself to 1/4 pound of turkey from the butcher, a dairy-free soup, and I'll add green beans instead of rice, making a comforting mash-up of "glop" and green bean casserole. 
  

Bulimia will always be with me; I definitely still feel the urge to binge today. On the rare occasion, I give myself permission to this, I try to control the caloric intake by eating things like popcorn, salted, steamed vegetables (e.g., broccoli, carrots), or raw cucumbers. 

This week in the 52 Lists Project, BMG and I are blogging about our favorite foods and treats. What are your favorite foods and treats? Let me know in the comments section below. 

A Few of My Favorite Things (about myself)

What would you say are your best qualities? This is the question posed by the 52 Lists Project this week.

Luckily, I've had nearly 20 years of therapy and introspection to figure this out. So here goes my list of the Top Ten Things I <3 about="" i="" me="">:

1. My honesty and "transparency"
What you see (and hear) with this girl is what you get. For better or worse, if there is something you want to know about me, I'll typically tell you. On the flip side, I don't always have patience for people who obviously lack self-awareness or who deny parts of themselves.

2. My intelligence
Is this a quality, or just luck of the draw? I think the latter. Regardless, I appreciate how smart I am, even if I occasionally temper myself in the interest of not wanting to be perceived as a smarty-pants.

3. My love for my family
This is particularly true for my nuclear family and my siblings' families. I feel lucky that, having grown up with only each other, we still (mostly) want to spend time together. 

4. My deep empathy
Particularly for those who I perceive or who I know have been oppressed for reasons beyond their control (e.g., gender, sex, nation of origin, skin color, sexual orientation).

5. My dislike for overt brand devotion
I grew up poor, which meant brand names were largely out of reach for me. And I experienced them as impregnable walls between me and the "rich kids." As a result, I eschew overt brand devotion as crass braggadocio.

6. My spirit of adventure
My brother-in-law asked me on Friday night if I was truly adventurous, or if I liked the idea of calling myself adventurous. Maybe a little of both, in that I'm selectively adventurous. I won't typically try something I believe will cause harm to me or others, and I'm not always adventurous (sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name). But, I'm typically willing to push my boundaries in the interest of having a good story or discovering something new about myself.

7. My quirks
I am grateful the many ways in which my personality and my style falls outside of the lines of my particular station in life. My love for gnomes,my lack of disgust for nose-picking (everyone does it), my constant willingness to brake for squirrels, my enthusiastic style of dance not unlike that of Elaine Bennes, my nearly daily hula hooping - I could seriously go on. I embrace these things because they make me unlike anyone else I know.

8. My laugh
I don't laugh a lot, but when I do, it is loud and unabashed.

9. Parts of my physical self
I have long struggled with loving my body. Those 20 years of therapy, yeah, they were A LOT about that. But, I'm happy to say there are some physical qualities I have that I like: my breasts, my hourglass shape, my smiley eyes, my skin tone.

10. My generosity
I give 5% of my pre-tax income away to charity, and I give with intention. I love to bake, and I tend to give (nearly) all of it away to my neighbors (see #9 above), I am often willing to compromise my own needs in the interest of helping someone in crisis. BMG sees my generosity as a flaw, as an unfettered doorway to misery and exploitation. But I don't. I am glad to bring a little peace, joy and/or justice into the lives of others, and value this quality in others.

Cookie Monster: An unrequited love story

I love cookies. Chocolate chip cookies to be exact. In fact, I love them so much, they made my Facebook list of 10 foods I would want with me if I were stranded on a desert island, (The others are turkey, eggs, olive oil, rice, spinach, lemons, coconut, cheddar cheese, and coffee,)

But chocolate chip cookies don't love me back.

Consider this checklist of qualities that the Kelley and Thibault model of relationship commitment, as described by Psychology Today, suggests are essential to a successful long-term relationship:  

Both consistently meet and do not frustrate our needs
FAIL. Chocolate chip cookies DO meet my needs for the delicious combination of sugar and fat, particularly when I'm feeling sad, hormonal, or have low blood sugar. HOWEVER, they do not care enough about me to minimize the way they frustrate my efforts to be fit, sleep well at night, and not feel like an out-of-control pig. 

Are more attractive than other potential relationships or ways of spending our time
FAIL. I love chocolate chip cookies. But, they have not done enough in our relationship to prevent me from cheating on them with potato chips, dark chocolate-covered anything, or commercially prepared peanut butter. And none of the Ashley Madison foods I have in my Rolodex are doing me any favors. In fact, if I were to cheat on chocolate chip cookies, I'd be better off cheating with a trip to the gym, a brisk walk, or a phone call to one of my sisters.

Would lead one to lose valuable resources if the relationship were to end
FAIL. Again, What am I going to lose if I were to leave my love affair with the chocolate chip cookie? I would guess about 15 pounds.

This checklist makes it clear that chocolate chip cookies are doing nothing but hurting me. For more than 45 years, I've continued to turn to them in times of joy, sorrow and anger, only to have my short term needs fulfilled with no promise of a fulfilling, long-term relationship

So, chocolate chip cookies, in the interest of my health, I am breaking up with you.

(Unless, of course, you'd be willing to hook up every now and again, maybe at parties or other special events. I mean, I'd be open to that.)

Fat Girl

Just this week, I told my husband and mother-in-law that, in spite of having recently lost 30 pounds, I still feel exactly the same. While I lost the weight primarily for health reasons, not emotional ones, I'm aware that I have struggled with being a "fat girl" my entire life.

With that revelation still spinning around in my heart, I found myself drawn to click on an NPR article posted to Facebook, offering reviews of two works of fiction that "tear down" stereotypes about fat girls.

The Facebook rabbit hole being what it is, this article next led me to a PBS Newshour link about a poet, Rachel Wiley, who penned this:

For Fat Girls Who Considered Starvation When Bulimia Wasn’t Enough

Mom says that my teeth are perfect
Perfect brother has just gotten braces on his top four front teeth
A tiny railroad bridge connecting nothing
And mom says that my teeth are perfect.
At last my quiet mouth, the overlook, the swallowed feelings have all paid off
and cultured something perfect and mine.
My mouth is a music box
stuffed with pearls.

Perfect brother is tall
And lean eats whatever he wants
One time a whole box of oatmeal cream pies.
but it is more clear each day that my baby fat is no longer baby fat
but just fat
It is more clear each day that I will not be a ballerina
I had wanted to be a ballerina.
My mouth is a music box
A small girl spins gracefully at the back of my throat
On point
I am sure if I can just reach far enough back I could still have her grace
I reach for her every night after dinner while the bathtub fills.

Until one day the health teacher shows us a photo
of a mouth crammed full of broken, yellowed dishes
says that a side effect of Bulimia
is ruined teeth
but Mom said that my teeth were perfect
And my perfect is a ransom I cannot bring myself to pay for the spinning girl
So I swallow her
and then nothing more for 4 whole days
My mouth is a music box, plays a low gear grinding that puts me to sleep.

When I do not wake up any closer to the spinning girl encircled in pink tulle
but rather still a ravenous hollow encircled in overgrowth
I sneak down to the pantry and devour an entire box of oatmeal cream pies in the dark
before going upstairs to brush my perfect teeth 1 at a time.

What happened next? Well, I cried. 

I cried for the little girl in me who wanted to be a ballerina but was instead told, "You'd be so pretty if you could just lose some weight." I cried for the young adult in me who thought she was a genius when she discovered bulimia, without knowing the word for it. I cried for the adult in me who knows that this eating disorder is like an addiction in that it will be with me always, in spite of having beat the behaviors long long ago. 

And now my stomach hurt. I'm sure it's because of the #whole30 decaf mocha I just gulped. It couldn't be feelings.  

Why I'm Wearing Red to Work on Friday, February 5, 2016

My maternal grandfather was dead at 47 of a heart attack.

My paternal grandmother was dead at 54 of complications related to heart disease.

And my mother? She had triple bypass surgery in her early 60's, which I am certain prevented her own early death.

My family history puts me at higher risk for heart disease. This, combined with my educational and professional background in public health and medical care, helps keep me very aware of the signs and symptoms of heart disease in women. I keep an eye on my blood pressure, talk with my primary care doctor at least once a year about the state of my heart health, and strive to eat a healthy diet balanced by regular exercise.

Unfortunately, many people are not as aware - either of their own risk profile,  or the indicators of coronary heart disease and its relatives.

So, in recognition of the American Heart Association's National Wear Red Day, I will be wearing red all day on Friday, February 5, 2016.

But I'm not stopping there. The #pinkification of America has taught me that wearing a certain color isn't enough to make change. So I'm also helping to organize #GoRed activities at my workplace, like free blood pressure screenings, and I will be sharing content about heart disease and how it has touched me via my @GLKinder account on Twitter.

I invite you to wear red on Friday, February 5th in honor of all the men and women who have fought - or are currently fighting - heart disease. Please also consider taking a moment to explain to the people around you why you are wearing red on this day. Wearing red is great. Explaining WHY will help raise just a little more awareness about the need for better heart health care, which is even better.

Desperately Trying to Find the Zone

One of the ways I managed to lose 25 pounds last fall was to eat fewer calories than I expended through my ADLs and exercise. In fact, I increased my daily physical activity by 20%. Committed to keeping my weight at a healthier level, because of my risk for heart disease and diabetes, I am continuing to go to the gym at least twice during the workweek, and every Saturday and Sunday. At least during the winter months, when it is either too cold or too dark to safely exercise outside.

And OMG, do I think going to the gym is boring.

To mix up my routine, I decided to try (for the third time) the Couch25K program to train myself to run 3.1 miles without dying or embarrassing myself.

And guess what? I also think running is boring.

I started to struggle with boredom midway this morning's "run" (Week Four/Day 2 of C25K). The self-talk that goes through my head reminded me that serious runners talk about getting into "the zone". In fact, I've felt "the zone" while biking - the feeling that all I need to be doing right now is pedaling one leg at a time to keep myself moving forward. It is a wonderful, zen experience.

But I haven't hit "the zone" with my "running." I have, however, developed some strategies for keeping myself engaged in my workout. As a gift to you, I share them below:

• Count every stride I take, and when I reach 60, check the clock to see how close the pace of my counting came to the actual pace of time. Make adjustments to syncopate my counting with real time. Repeat.
• Look around the room for words or phrases that are static (e.g., the name of gym painted on the wall, the name of the workout machine I'm using, signs that might be nearby, etc.). Make as many new words out of these words as I possibly can. For example, how many words can YOU make out of "hydromassage"?
• Silently imagine what I would say to the people within my field of vision about their exercise habits and general state of fitness. Things like, "You look unhealthy. You go girl for being at the gym! Rock it!" and "You do know that I can see you itching your butt as you crush it on that elliptical, right?" 
• In the same vein, I also tell stories about the people within my field of vision. Just yesterday I saw a man within my age range with an incredible and HUGE head of hair wearing the tiniest, tightest running shorts I've seen in a while. He seriously looked like a bobble head. I then imagined that those were his favorite shorts from his collegiate field and track days. And while they clearly NO LONGER FIT HIM, it is also clear that he is unnaturally attached to the shorts, perhaps as a symbol of his younger glory days. And every time he wears them, his spouse yells at him to get rid of those ridiculous shorts because, the tiny shorts make him look ridiculous and sad and what if he runs into someone they know, and so on.  
• Inspire myself  by repeating the following mantra over and over again, "No one gets better at anything if they quit. I can do this. I can do anything for (however long I have left in the workout or the interval) minutes." Then I start wondering about all the things I might not be able to do for xyz minutes left in my workout. Like endure water boarding at the hands of terrorist captors, or swim in an alligator-infested swamp, or tolerate Donald Trump or Ted Cruz as President. 

It's not my knees or my general state physical fitness that will end my running career. Instead, it is the boredom.

So I ask you, before I make yet another trip to the gym where I'll rearrange the letters in "Judgment Free Zone" (men, gene, jug, mug, dug, tug, zen..." to entertain myself:

• Are you a runner who gets into the zone? 
• What does it look like or feel like? 
• How do you get to that place?
• What advice do you have for a novice runner? 

Help me!

What Makes an Ulcer a Good Thing?

**Warning! Graphic photos of the inside of my body are included in this blog post. Warning!**



















I was diagnosed with an ulcer this morning.

My ulcer looks like a series of shiny, white canker sores on the lining of my throat, and happens to be located at the junction between my esophagus and my stomach.



We suspected there was a problem after nearly two weeks of crippling abdominal pain, which conveniently happened over Christmas 2015, and has extended through the start of 2016. After four weeks of medical appointments, including a trip to urgent care for IV fluids and a gastroscope, the ulcer was discovered.

The treatment? Daily Prilosec. That's it. No dietary change, aside from adjustments I make to manage pain. And I go back in three months for another picture of my insides.

So what makes this a good thing?

1. The symptoms I was experiencing are often confused with GERD/advanced heartburn, Celiac Disease, heart disease, and food allergies. All of these conditions are chronic and require lifetime lifestyle changes. I'm glad I don't need to manage this. (The symptoms are also similar to those experienced by people with stomach and esophageal cancer. My biopsy results will be back in about a month. I'm still just a TINY bit nervous I have cancer too, but it is highly unlikely because I have none of the typical risk factors. If I do, I promise I'll at least add a note in the comments here so you aren't left hanging.)

2. While many people think ulcers are caused by stress, they actually aren't. In fact, most ulcers are bacterial. So, this means, (a) the ulcer isn't my fault, and (b) I don't need to find a way to cut back on stress in my life. (I actually don't feel particularly stressed most of the time.)

3. I don't need to stop drinking my daily cup of coffee! Or the occasional glass of wine! When I asked my gastroenterologist if I needed to adjust my diet he said, "I'm not one of those people who thinks nutrition makes a big difference in these things." (See point #2 above.)

4. The severe abdominal pain (there were times when simply standing up was a burden on my system) helped me experience the type of pain BMG experiences as a result of his Crohn's Disease. This helps me better understand why he behaves like such a tool when he has a flare-up, deepening my empathy.

5. Conversely, BMG better understands the anxiety I feel when I ferry him to and from doctor appointments and tests, He got himself so worked up today about my test that he ended up vomiting. Seriously, he vomited this afternoon, for no reason other than being agitated, which caused him to drink too much caffeine and not eat enough food. (I'd like to add that his puking put a swift end to my post-anesthesia lazing about because I had to hop up to help him,)

So, no chronic disease to manage, no signs of blame or stress, all the coffee I could possibly want, better empathy between my husband and I on the impact of his chronic disease on our partnership. All in all, I'd say my ulcer is a good thing.

SFS Fall 2015: Eating Your Cake and Having it Too

I'm doing a six-week holistic diet with Liz Vequist in an effort to start feeling fit, active, and inspired. The diet started on Monday, October 26, 2015. 

*****

Tomorrow is the 6th and final week of the diet. If you look at the numbers, my experience so far has been successful. 
1. I've lost 15 pounds
2. I've lost an inch in all the places I've measured
3. I'm comfortably down by one full size
4. I've reduced my caffeine intake by 50%
5. I've reduced my refined sugar intake by nearly 90%. 
6. I've reduced my weekly alcohol intake by nearly 75%
7. I've reduced my typical daily calorie intake by 15%, from 1,750 day to 1,450 
7. I've reduced my use of OTC sleep aids by 95%, from up to four times a week to once a month
8. I've increased my daily steps by 20%

As far as I'm concerned, this has been a valuable group and one I would recommend to any person who seeks to feel healthier, stronger, and more at peace in their bodies.


But, with just a week left in the program, I've consciously stopped participating in the Facebook portion of the group.


Why?


On Thursday, I was indirectly rebuked on the group's Facebook page for giving "bad advice" when I asked a question. Bad advice, it was explained, because the question I asked was akin to encouraging people to do something that was causing people to "fail" at the intermittent fasting portion of the diet.




My question was in response to a post from a member of the group who appears to me to be struggling with being at peace in her body. At the start of the day, she posted a plaintive query about how to handle her desire to fast with her desire to indulge in a holiday celebration. So I asked, "Why can't you do both - eat sensibly/low calorie for a majority of the day, and also indulge?" I acknowledged with my question that one couldn't call this a true "fasting" day, but what was the harm in eating your cake and having it too?



I asked my question out of genuine curiosity, and from a position of ambivalence about the fasting days, particularly in light of my own experience of balancing the diet "rules" with the "rules" of living, for me, what is a good life.



If you look at my numbers, it seems that my strategy of eating my cake and having too, carefully and with intention, has been pretty successful. I don't feel like a failure at the diet.




What I think has made me a success at this diet is in not my ability to faithfully follow the rules. Instead, it has been my ability to listen to my body and decide what rules I'm going to break.

For example, two cups of coffee makes me go off the emotional rails AND inspires sleeplessness. So, when I'm having intense cravings for a second cup of the half-caf I'm drinking, I can remind myself that I don't want it badly enough to risk the jittery panicked feelings that I'll feel as a result. If the craving remains, I fill it with a cup of hot lemon water or rooibos tea. Ditto for milk-based products and enriched bread.



I'll still have a small piece of candy or a chocolate chip cookie from time to time. And when I do, I savor it and remind myself to stop at one or two unless the desire for the sweet is more powerful than the need to maintain a certain caloric intake to keep my body healthy. So far it hasn't been worth it.

All of these signs point to victory for me and my body.



So, when I felt chided for "giving bad advice," I decided it was time for me to say good-bye to the Facebook portion of the diet. I don't want to share how I've successfully adapted the rules to serve my body if doing so could potentially risk the success of others. I don't see how that is helpful. I also don't think it is helpful to be part of a virtual dialogue about being a "failure" with one's diet and exercise choices.



So, at least as far as Facebook goes, I'm done.


I'll post my numbers here at the formal end of the last week, to put up the final bookend to this experience. After the diet is formally over, I'll continue to eat a balanced, whole food diet while also considering the choices I make in the interest of feeling strong and healthy. I will always have to pay close attention to how I care for my body. I can't eat an entire package of Oreos and not feel the ill effects. But I also don't want it to become my raison d'etre, where I am daily scrutinizing every food choice to determine if THAT'S the reason I am up half a pound.


Thank you Liz Vequist, for guiding me to a place where I can eat my cookie and be ok with myself. I feel like my struggles are over.

SFS Fall 2015: Intermittent Fasting (IF)

I'm doing a six-week holistic diet with Liz Vequist in an effort to start feeling fit, active, and inspired. The diet started on Monday, October 26, 2015. 

*****

Today is my first intermittent fasting, or IF day. As I understand it, and IF day is one in which calorie intake is limited to 500-600 (I normally eat 1,750-2,000 calories per day), and one waits to have one's first meal until one is ready to chew one's hand off. The goals are multiple: 

• To make up for "binge days"
• To make it possible to eat whatever one wants on the other five days of the week
• To prevent cancer and other health issues like diabetes and Alzheimer's
• To remind one's body one doesn't actually need to eat as many calories a day as we do in the Western world
• To force the body to consume one's own fat when exercising

There is also a paleo aspect, reminding the body that our hunter-gather ancestors ate intermittently and they did OK. 

On the diet, I'm supposed to have as many as two IF days each week. To get started, we are doing a 6:1 schedule - eat "normal" for six days, and IF for one. 

After four weeks of participation in Liz Vequist's SFS program, which started with a vegan food cleanse in early October, I'm down 11 pounds. I don't feel deprived, I'm not counting calories, and I'm not perseverating on food. 

I'm also not sure I need to IF. 

But, I'll play along. I also didn't think I needed to eat breakfast at work, but when I tried that, it actually had positive benefits. 

So, what does one eat when one is on an IF day? This is what I'm eating

Breakfast: 1/2 cup of aromatic brown rice and two hard-boiled eggs - 249 calories

Lunch: 1/2 cup of aromatic brown rice and 1 cup of sweet and sour red lentil dal - 233 calories

Dinner - 3 oz. steamed cod fillet, 1 cup roasted squash and broccoli, 1 cup steamed kale - 146 calories

Snack - 1/2 cup sliced cucumbers - 8 calories

Total planned calorie count for the day is 636.

My predictions? I'll eat breakfast by 10:00 AM, instead of 8:15 and then I'll perseverate on food for the rest of the day.

What would you do to make an IF day work for your body?

SFS Fall 2015: Positive Affirmations

I'm doing a six-week holistic diet with Liz Vequist in an effort to start feeling fit, active, and inspired. The diet started on Monday, October 26, 2015. 

*****

Week two of the diet starts on Monday, so I'm in prep mode this weekend. On the spiritual side of the diet, we're supposed to identify positive affirmations about our body that we can scatter around our homes, cars and workplaces to help inspire us to make the Slim, Fit and Sexy thing work. 

I actually feel pretty motivated already. This is, in part, a function of the pounds falling off (an indicator my body was ready to lose some weight), and the new Fitbit groups I'm participating in, which, in the first week, motivated me to amp my steps from 7500 each weekday to more than 10k. 

In the spirit of being "in it to win it," I'm creating affirmations anyway. I.m going to trust that even is my conscious self doesn't need them right now, the universe will hold them in readiness for me. 

So here goes:

I am grateful for (something positive about your body): my continuing good health.

I love my (something positive about yourself): enthusiastic and empathic spirit.

I can (positive habit): make better choices to maintain my health and soothe myself when I feel sad.  

What would your affirmations be? 

SFS Fall 2015: A Reason to Get Out of Bed in the Morning

I'm doing a six-week holistic diet with Liz Vequist in an effort to start feeling fit, active, and inspired. The diet started on Monday, October 26, 2015. 

*****

Four full days into this holistic diet and I've learned that I'm eating breakfast too early in the morning. By shifting my weekday breakfast time 75 minutes later in the morning, makes in difference in my feelings of hunger, particularly later in the day. 

I've long held the belief that I shouldn't get out of bed in the morning for the sole purpose of going to work. I want to get out of bed because I have a full and learned life. So, my weekday routine has typically involved the following:
5:45-6:00 AM: Wake up, make coffee, give the cats cookies
6:00-6:30 AM: Drink coffee, check Facebook, read news, play games
6:30-7:00 AM: Get ready for work
7:00-7:30 AM: Make and eat breakfast, get out the door
7:30-8:00 AM: Travel to the office
9:30-10:00 AM: Eat snack at work
11:00 AM: Start perseverating on lunch, walk around and snatch pieces of candy from the generous candy bowls scattered around the office
11:30-11:45 AM: Get lunch (eat at desk)
4:00 PM: Leave work
4:30 PM: Get home, ready to chew my hands off I'm so hungry. Grab a high protein snack. 
4:45-5:30 PM: Make dinner
5:30-5:35 PM: Eat dinner
5:35-9:00 PM: Think about eating sugary treats - either give in or try using wine or tea to satiate my sweet tooth
9:00-10:00 PM: Starting settling down for sleep

But, my routine means I'm often eating breakfast because of the time of day, not because of any hunger I might feel. And then I'm a hungry hungry hippo for the rest of the day. 

So, I'm experimenting with a new routine that looks like this: 
6:00-6:15 AM: Wake up, make coffee, give the cats cookies
6:15-6:45 AM: Drink coffee, check Facebook, read news, play games
6:45-7:05 AM: Get ready for work (I'm very low maintenance)
7:05-7:30 AM: Prep breakfast and lunch to bring to work, make lemon water for the journey, maybe blog or take care of house business (e.g., pay bills)
7:30-8:00 AM: Travel to the office
8:00-8:30 AM: Eat breakfast (at my desk)
11:30 AM: Eat snack
12:30-1:00 PM: Eat most (but not all) of my lunch (at my desk)
1:30-3:00 PM: Leisurely nibble on whatever lunch I couldn't eat at lunch time (at my desk)
4:00 PM: Leave work
4:30 PM: Get home, still feeling full from my afternoon of lunching
5:30 PM: Start thinking about dinner prep
5:30-6:00 PM: Make dinner
6:00-6:15 PM: Eat dinner
7:00 PM: Make evening tea and start settling down for a 9:00 PM bed time

It is amazing to me that shifting breakfast back just 75 minutes can make such a difference in how much I'm snacking and thinking about food. I am more focused in the afternoons, and am pleasant when I get home, instead of a bear because of how hungry I feel. 

Sounds like the shift is working in the interest of my good physical and emotional health. So what's the problem? 

In my brain, eating breakfast at work instead of home implies that my raison d'etre is working, instead of living. There is an inherent lack of balance in consuming two meals at the office instead of just the one. And, because of my commitment to work/life balance, this upsets me. Luckily, I have five more weeks of this diet to figure out if the rewards are worth the trade off. I'll let you know. W

SFS Fall 2015 - Goal Setting

I'm doing a six-week holistic diet with Liz Vequist in an effort to start feeling fit, active, and inspired. The diet starts on Monday, October 26, 2015. 

*****

Week one, day one! We're focusing this week on setting a healthy breakfast routine. I feel like I nailed this during the five-day cleanse, so this doesn't feel like work to me. Which is good, because I still need to finish my goal setting.

From the "diet" workbook:

List 3 goals that you would like to achieve over the next 6 weeks: 

My answer:
1. Beat the sugar addiction
2. Healthier relationship to snacking when I feel anxious
3. Sustainably lose another five pounds.

How will you feel as a result of achieving these goals? 

My answer:
1. More attentive in my marriage
2. More confident in my family relationships
3. Less fearful of health risks

Is there anything that could stop you from achieving these goals? 

My answer:
Those tapes that keeps playing, in spite of my knowing they are old. In spite of my knowing they aren't my story, but instead the story of the people who spoke the recorded words. The tape that tells a five year-old me, "You'd be so pretty if you could just lose some weight." And the tape recorded in Princeton that whispers conspiratorially, "I was told you are built like a linebacker...(but you are actually lovely)."

On a more practical level, my mother-in-law doesn't understand these sorts of shifts in eating (neither does my mother, but she lives 325 miles away).

Is there anything you can start doing now to make sure you achieve your goals?

My answer: 

• I'm not cooking with my husband any longer. This change in my routine helps because our food needs are so different. (This also makes me feel sad, even though it is better for both of us. I can feel the tears welling up inside.)
• I will give myself a daily 45-minute block of time - ostensibly after work - for exercise/movement. 
• I need to let my mother-in-law know what I'm up to, so she doesn't keep asking me to come visit for food/wine/cake.

I want to find a way to symbolically release the tapes. And, I need to think about that a little more.

SFS Fall 2015 - Before

I'm doing a six-week holistic diet with Liz Vequist in an effort to start feeling fit, active, and inspired. The diet starts on Monday, October 26, 2015. 

*****

I spent the last four days helping my mother downsize from the house I knew as an adolescent and teen to a new house. A newer, more manageable house in a quieter neighborhood closer to four of her six grandchildren. Thursday through Sunday afternoon I ate pizza, doughnuts, Chinese food, fast food, chocolate bars, beer and wine. 

I feel terrible. 

Tomorrow is a great day to start a whole foods, mostly vegan, definitely macrobiotic (except for that weird chewing thing they do), diet.

As part of our prep we need to take measurements and "before" photos, preferably in something form fitting. We'll do "after" pictures on December 10, when the diet ends. And hopefully, by then, I'll have new, life affirming habits. 

So, here goes. 

And now the measurements. 
Upper arm (ugh) - 13"
Bust - 40"
"Bra line" - 34"
Waist - 34"
Hips - 45"
Thigh - 25"

Come back in six weeks to see how I do. 

Good Vegan

I'm doing a five-day food cleanse followed by a six-week diet with Liz Vequist in an effort to start feeling fit, active, and inspired. The cleanse ran from on Monday, October 5, 2015 through Friday, October 9, 2015. The six-week diet kicks off on Thursday, October 22, 2015. 

*****

I hopped onto Facebook while eating lunch at my desk (mixed greens topped with a mixture of quinoa, black beans, corn, slaw veggies, guacamole, and salmon). I was surprised by the more than 10 alerts my page had, and dove in a little deeper. That's when I learned I won the week-long, #wholefoodschallenge, a seven-day contest the week after the cleanse, designed to inspire participants to continue their vegan, whole foods ways. And the 10+ alerts were fellow cleansers people congratulating me on my win.

If one wanted to participate, one needed to post one picture on the secret Facebook group for the cleansers on at least five out of seven days of a vegan, whole foods meal they were enjoying. And you had to complete the post-cleanse satisfaction survey. The prize was a $50 gift certificate to Whole Foods (or Amazon if there was no Whole Foods nearby).

I posted one picture a day for the entire challenge, along with the pictures of the food factory I created on my kitchen counter each time I made a batch of something. Sort of like this:

Dinner: Butternut squash, red lentil and carrot stew served on steamed kale.

 

Five more dinners made with butternut squash/red lentil stew and steamed kale.

I won! I won! I won! I feel like such a good vegan.

The kick-off call for the six-week diet portion of this program is on Thursday, October 22nd at noon. I can't wait to go shopping at Whole Foods for whatever supplies I'll need on the next phase in this personal health journey.