Getting Ready to Rock and Roll (or Explaining What Happens for Me During Energy Therapy)

I had my first visit with the energy healer, Donnamarie Steffano, in September 2003. I went on the recommendation of two friends, with the goal of "collecting a new experience." Fifteen years ago, I was living in an urban commune of sorts, and exploring the hippie dippie side of my personality. I was a vegetarian, went to yoga dance sessions monthly, and worked for a nonprofit that helped rich people get in touch with their inner progressive. At the time, exploring energy therapies was not a stretch.

Energy therapy, as I've experienced it, takes place in a massage therapy room. After declaring my intention with the therapist (e.g., to get help processing lingering grief, to better understand an eating disorder, etc.), I take off all of my jewelry, and my shoes, and lie flat on my back on the massage bed - no pillows or bolsters. I close my eyes, and let the therapist do her work.

And her work simply sounds like someone moving around my body, exhaling or inhaling deeply. The audible breath sounds to me like that of a Sleestack from the television program Land of the The Lost. I peeked during my first sessions, and Donnamarie had her hands extended above my body, as if she was touching something.

The energy therapist asks for feedback during the session, so she can understand how my energy is responding. (OK, I know what you are thinking. This is the trick. She asks for feedback, and then adjusts her feedback to fit my narrative so I think something is happening, like a fortune teller. I get it. Just wait. There's more.)

She also gives feedback. During my first session, I remember  her telling me, "I have an overwhelming desire to recite the Lord's Prayer. What does this mean to you?"

I immediately remembered my grandmother's last day on this planet, When, after being in a coma for at least two days, her older sister (who was her best friend), came to visit and say good-bye. With the family minister, Aunt Esther was reciting the Lord's Prayer, when my Gramma opened her eyes and reached out her hand. I and the two sisters I was with at the time, alerted Aunt Esther to Gramma's movement, and she was able to hold her sister's hand as she finished the prayer.

I told this to Donnamarie and she replied, "Your grandmother was very short, yes? (She was about 4' 8" at the time of her death.) I can see her standing by your head. Know she is with you right now. She is telling me that she'll be with you when you need her."

With that, I was hooked.

I've seen Donnamarie maybe half a dozen times since then, most recently yesterday, when I went with the goal of finding my center. Here's what happened.

1. After we caught up with one another, I declare my intention of getting help being energetically unclogged.

2. I take my place on the bed and tried to relax.

3. Donnamarie says, "Oh wow. There is nothing moving in you."

4. So she starts doing the breathing thing. Within two minutes, I start to feel as if I am expanding so rapidly that I am going to pop, like Violet Beauregard in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. It feels like an infection that is going to burst. I tell Donnamarie what's happening and that I am starting to freak out. She tells me to start doing yogic breathing - breathe in for four counts, hold the breath for four counts, breathe out through my mouth for four counts.

4a. At the same time, I am overwhelmed by the desire to stab myself. Repeatedly, in my abdomen. Maybe to relieve the pressure in my body? To this, I say nothing because I feel ashamed and afraid of this violence towards myself. But fearful of the impulse, another part of my psyche starts singing the refrain from  "All You Need is Love" by the Beatles. The war between the stabbing and the "love, love, love" goes on for a while. I'm also trying to tell myself to relax, to sink into the bed. But a part of my is fearful that if I sink, I'll be buried alive. I am imaging the bed as soft earth that swallows me whole. "The bed is not the earth. You will not be swallowed whole if you relax. Love, love, love..." I repeat. All without saying a word to Donnamarie. She has no idea what is happening with my self-talk.

5. Donnamarie says to me, "You are COVERED in something red and sticky. I don't know what it is. But I'm going to try and clear it." Spooky. I haven't told her I am psychically trying to stab myself. But she sees it anyway.

6. Then something shifts, and I feel myself being anchored at belly button to the bed. And my belly starts swirling. The motion is distinct, and I feel as if I'm slowly disappearing into the bed as I'm pulled deeper and deeper at the belly button down. The feeling is restricted to my belly button (or sacral chakra in energy talk).

7. Donnamarie says "The negative energy is starting to drain." I think to myself, "Oh, that's what this feeling is in my belly. It is like a bathtub emptying after a long soak." I start to relax.

8. As I'm draining, all I can see behind my closed eyes is a sheet of purple and indigo, the colors of the crown and third eye chakras.

9. Then the colors shift to green, the color of the heart chakra, which controls my ability to love. I start to feel as if I'm covered in the softest, puffiest, and strongest moss in the world. I think to myself, "The moss doesn't care who our president is. The moss won't be disturbed by this. I am covered in moss. I will not be disturbed."

10. Next, my hands start to feel as if they are swelling, not in the Violet Beauregard way. Instead, it feels like every cell is filling with water. Or maybe air. Or maybe loving kindness. It is pleasant. The feeling cascades up my arms. Donnamarie moves to the base of the bed and I can feel the gentle swell of loving kindness rush up my legs and into my belly, and it starts to move into my spine.

11. And then, Donnamarie ends the session. Inviting me to slowly come back to this plane, sit up when I'm ready, and be prepared to drink a glass of water.

We end each session debriefing what happened. It is during this period that I tell my energy healer that I was overwhelmed by a desire to stab myself at the exact time she was seeing me covered in something red and sticky. She said my energy created a luminous cocoon, one that looked this a diamond crystal, to protect me during our session. "Ahhh," I replied, "This must have been happening when I was afraid I was going to be buried alive."

Experiences like these help me believe in an energy, or maybe a spirit, that shapes our world, shapes our fundamental humanness. There is no rational, scientific way to explain how Donnamarie saw me covered in "something red and sticky" at the same moment I was doing internal battle over a desire to stab myself. Or explain how Donnamarie connected with my memory of the Lord's Prayer during our first session. Even BMG, someone who once went to meetings of the Boston-area skeptics society, says, "Yeah, that's crazy. I've got no explanation."

Right now the energy in many pockets of the world is ugly. I'm going to push myself to not let it take hold of me again. When I saw the neighbor taking his walk this morning, smiling and wearing his "Make America Great Again" hat, I subtly gave him the finger. Feeling the ugly energy start to creep in, I shifted to yogic breathing. In and out. In and out. In and out. From there, I decided that if he and I were to make eye contact the next time we saw one another, I'd ask him what parts of America he thinks weren't great. Luckily, I didn't have to do that (baby steps, right).

I think I can do this. I have to do this. I'll be ready.

Why I'm Not Going to the Million Women March (Or, an Exercise in Finding Balance)

As of 12:00 PM today, the United State of America has a new President. This new President is a man who I experience as a hateful, impulsive, misogynistic, narcissistic, megalomanaical chucklehead. In short, not someone whose actions or values I can respect in the role of President of the United States.

On November 8, an estimated 50% of the voting population in America felt the same way I did. Unfortunately, it was not the right configuration of 50% to win the electoral college and continue leading the White House with progressive values.

So, nearly two and half months after the election of 2016, I find myself contemplating how to live life with an ass-hat reality star as the leader of my country.

Tomorrow, thousands of women and men, mothers and daughters, sisters and brothers, sweethearts, and friends will contemplate this reality while marching together in solidarity, affirming their commitment to protecting the rights of women, people of color, people who identify as LGBTQ, immigrants, and the poor. Thousands more women and men will don pussy hats, pink knit caps with little kitty ears, in an effort to reclaim that word from our new President, who has been accused multiple times of sexual assaults, and has bragged about his ability to force women to interact with him sexually. And yet thousands more will be sharing progressive social content through Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and the like.

Me? I'm not marching. I'm not wearing a pussy hat. I'm not going on Facebook. Instead, I will be visiting a friend from long ago to have my energy and chakras realigned. After then, I will take a long walk through a city I once called home, en route to my favorite tea shop to pick up my favorite tea.

While I have extraordinary ambivalence about the decision to not participate, I also have extraordinary clarity about why I'm not going.

I've lost my center in my grief and anger over what the election of He Who Must Not Be Named to the Presidency.
I see this in the emergence of disordered eating habits long ago buried, the resurgence of sleeplessness, which results in extreme exhaustion and crabbiness. I'm aware that attending a march, even the local one expected to be attended by 40,000+ people, is likely to exacerbate my anxiety about the state of the country, rather than helping me to feel empowered. Tomorrow, I need to find ways to nurture myself so once again I can find my center.

As an introvert, I am not typically energized or comforted by large crowds.
This is ironic given that I have masters level training in Community Organizing, but I typically do not find mass gatherings to be a good use of time. The "group think" mentality - even if it is group think aligned with my values - freaks me out, and I often feel claustrophobic. I know I'd spend a majority of my time looking for an escape route, trying to hear what is happening, or plotting the most efficient route to the subway station so I could get home.

When I'm ready to "do something", I know where to find information and communities made up of people organizing for change.
I don't need to attend a march to connect with people making a difference, or to be held accountable. I'm angry enough to keep myself accountable for making waves. And, I'm an active participant in the #injusticeboycott, have firm connections to the Unitarian Universalists, am a major donor and active follower of the Southern Poverty Law Center, and follow Pantsuit Nation/Action Together Massachusetts on Facebook. I know where to go to get information I trust, and to identify actions I can take with others that will make a difference.

I need to rest and relax now, so I'm ready to step up when my time is right. 
Right after the inauguration was over, my cousin-in-law posted on Facebook - 1,459. That's how many more days there are until the next President of the United States is sworn in. Four years. Four long years. Those of us standing on the side of love have a long haul ahead of us. I have an impressive history of fighting until I've spent every last drop of energy I have, which leaves me permanently depleted. This is partly driven by an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, and a lack of understanding of the ebb and flow of individual contributions to collective good. By not going to a march tomorrow, I'm acknowledging that I am not alone in this battle, and that I can't participate in this fight without taking at least one break. And I need my first break now.

As I watch and read coverage of all you beautiful people marching together, this is what I know:
We're standing together in our hearts.
We have each other's back in this marathon towards justice.
When you you need your break, I'll be ready to step in.

A Sharp Kick in the Gut

It has been a week - eight days - since I learned my friend Tricia was raped and murdered on Christmas Day.

In this time, I estimate that I've spent 10% of every waking hour reading memorials on Facebook, investigation updates on The Washington Post, and trolling the comment boards on myriad other news sources that carried the story of her death. I've become increasingly upset with every new detail exposed by the police and with every heart-felt memorial posted on myriad "In Memory Of" pages online,

On day four of this obsessive grief odyssey, I cried, cried harder than I have in a long time. On days five through seven, I gained three pounds, largely as result of my settling into the enveloping stupor of Candy Crush Saga.

And today, on day eight, I met with a therapist.

And about five minutes into our session, she gave me a swift kick in the gut. I was blathering on about how vulnerable I was feeling about my personal safety and she said, "I wonder if your reaction to your friend's death might be about more than your friend's death."

"Whatever could you mean?" I innocently replied.

"Well, there are many Americans feeling vulnerable right now. How are you feeling about the direction in which our country is moving?"

Dammit. Dammit Dammit.

During my brief period of grieving, it has seemed as if my sadness has been out of proportion to my relationship with Tricia. I've felt like I don't have the right to be as immobilized by this terrifying act of violence as I have been.

But, if I think about Tricia's murder as the most terrible straw that broke the camel's back, then this reaction makes a little more sense.

What also makes sense is leveraging this process of grieving her death to find my inner strength.

Words to Live By

What are your favorite quotes?

This is the question the 52 Lists Project is asking this week.

I'm a words person. I keep printed quotes around me - hanging on the walls of my workplace, my home office, even my bedroom and laundry room. I surround myself with inspiring words to help me stay centered, and remember how I wish to be in the world.

I have quotes I wish I remembered and lived by, like the one I keep at the top of this blog:

And then there are quotes I actually remember and often use to help me stay centered.

The most frequently used quote is this:

The first time I heard this quote, it was referenced as a Quaker saying. Since then, I've learned it has been attributed to great thinkers like Oscar Wilde, Ralph Waldo Emerson. As someone who has long struggled with giving myself permission to enjoy life, I use this quote to remind myself that it is okay to sometimes let go of my manic control of life in the interest of having fun.

A new favorite is one I discovered while on vacation in Sanibel, FL. I found it printed on the cover of a journal in a tchotke shop.

I love this quote. It gives me permission to be be my best introspective and introverted self.

The last quote is one I use in my work as a writer and strategist. I've seen it Mark Twain, Thomas Jefferson, and the Roman philosopher Cicero.

I use this quote to remind myself that thoughtfulness takes time, and to give myself an excuse when the work I've done is sloppy. Like this blog post.

"If I've done nothing else today, at least I can say I did _________________."

What do your daily routines say about you?

I don't think of myself as a creature of habit. I get easily bored with routine. I don't get up at the same time every day, I have at least three routes I take to the office, regular exercise classes have rarely worked for me, because I am loathe to put the same thing at the same time in my book, lest I decide I want to do something else instead. That's not to say I don't have things I do every day - start each morning with a cup of espresso, waste time on Facebook, cross at least one household chore off my never-ending "to do" list. 

While my routines create structure and fill my life, they don't offer me spiritual meaning. 

I've been slowly reading the book The Gnome Project. This is a self-help(ish) book about one woman's effort to create a daily practice by hand-felting one gnome every day. Early in this crafty memoir, the author writes, "I imagined that one would feel 'held' by that rhythm (of a daily practice), finding contentment and safety in knowing what was to come, perhaps an armor of protection (in an otherwise chaotic world)." 

The author, Jessica Peill-Meininghaus, goes on to recount that "some people say that having one thing you do with consciousness and purpose, every single day, will bring rewards." 

This notion of finding safety, peace in a daily practice is appealing to me. I've long wanted to have meditation routine. But I tend to use shame and "shoulds" to cajole myself into being still. Which doesn't work. Ditto for exercise, journalling, gardening, etc. 

At the start of the new year, I found myself reflecting on The Gnome Project and thinking about reframing my desire to meditate. What would change, I wondered, if instead of telling myself, "I should meditate today," I said, "If I get nothing else done today, at least I can say I meditated,"  

or

"If I've done nothing else today, at least I can say I said "I love you" to my husband,"

or

"If I've done nothing else today, at least I can say I ate healthfully,"

or

"If I've done nothing else today, at least I can say I made time to journal." 

These statements say so much more to me about a values-filled life than "If I've done nothing else today, at least I can say I made time for a cup of coffee, to crush some candy, to clean the cat box." 

When you fill in the blank, does it inspire you? If it doesn't what might you do to make changes that offer more meaning in your life? 

Why I'm Voting for Marco Rubio in the Massachusetts Primary

Super Tuesday is on Monday, March 1, 2016. This is when residents of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, along with those in eight other states, cast their votes in the Presidential primary election.


As a liberal pragmatist, I choose to be registered as an independent voter. This means I get my choice of primary ballot on election day. In 2016, I'll pick the Republican ballot and I'll cast my vote for Marco Rubio.


Why?


Because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of a United States of America in which Tea Party candidate Ted Cruz, or, God forbid, Donald Trump, is President.


It is impossible to escape the onslaught of political ads on television, the non-stop audio coverage on public and talk radio, and the news coverage painting the walls of Facebook, Twitter, and Flipboard.


As I listen to this coverage, the liberal in me hears the siren call of Bernie Sanders' supporters and their call for a 'revolution.' But we liberals had our revolution when it President Obama was elected. And now the pragmatist in me sees the writing on the wall. I predict that on November 8th the Republicans will have their turn at revolution.


So I'm voting for Marco Rubio in the primary with the intention of doing my part to try to ensure their revolution is not too extreme. (Rest assured, when the nation turns out to vote in the general election, I will choose whichever Democratic candidate is chosen by the people.)


Who will you pick in your state primary?

SFS Fall 2015: Eating Your Cake and Having it Too

I'm doing a six-week holistic diet with Liz Vequist in an effort to start feeling fit, active, and inspired. The diet started on Monday, October 26, 2015. 

*****

Tomorrow is the 6th and final week of the diet. If you look at the numbers, my experience so far has been successful. 
1. I've lost 15 pounds
2. I've lost an inch in all the places I've measured
3. I'm comfortably down by one full size
4. I've reduced my caffeine intake by 50%
5. I've reduced my refined sugar intake by nearly 90%. 
6. I've reduced my weekly alcohol intake by nearly 75%
7. I've reduced my typical daily calorie intake by 15%, from 1,750 day to 1,450 
7. I've reduced my use of OTC sleep aids by 95%, from up to four times a week to once a month
8. I've increased my daily steps by 20%

As far as I'm concerned, this has been a valuable group and one I would recommend to any person who seeks to feel healthier, stronger, and more at peace in their bodies.


But, with just a week left in the program, I've consciously stopped participating in the Facebook portion of the group.


Why?


On Thursday, I was indirectly rebuked on the group's Facebook page for giving "bad advice" when I asked a question. Bad advice, it was explained, because the question I asked was akin to encouraging people to do something that was causing people to "fail" at the intermittent fasting portion of the diet.




My question was in response to a post from a member of the group who appears to me to be struggling with being at peace in her body. At the start of the day, she posted a plaintive query about how to handle her desire to fast with her desire to indulge in a holiday celebration. So I asked, "Why can't you do both - eat sensibly/low calorie for a majority of the day, and also indulge?" I acknowledged with my question that one couldn't call this a true "fasting" day, but what was the harm in eating your cake and having it too?



I asked my question out of genuine curiosity, and from a position of ambivalence about the fasting days, particularly in light of my own experience of balancing the diet "rules" with the "rules" of living, for me, what is a good life.



If you look at my numbers, it seems that my strategy of eating my cake and having too, carefully and with intention, has been pretty successful. I don't feel like a failure at the diet.




What I think has made me a success at this diet is in not my ability to faithfully follow the rules. Instead, it has been my ability to listen to my body and decide what rules I'm going to break.

For example, two cups of coffee makes me go off the emotional rails AND inspires sleeplessness. So, when I'm having intense cravings for a second cup of the half-caf I'm drinking, I can remind myself that I don't want it badly enough to risk the jittery panicked feelings that I'll feel as a result. If the craving remains, I fill it with a cup of hot lemon water or rooibos tea. Ditto for milk-based products and enriched bread.



I'll still have a small piece of candy or a chocolate chip cookie from time to time. And when I do, I savor it and remind myself to stop at one or two unless the desire for the sweet is more powerful than the need to maintain a certain caloric intake to keep my body healthy. So far it hasn't been worth it.

All of these signs point to victory for me and my body.



So, when I felt chided for "giving bad advice," I decided it was time for me to say good-bye to the Facebook portion of the diet. I don't want to share how I've successfully adapted the rules to serve my body if doing so could potentially risk the success of others. I don't see how that is helpful. I also don't think it is helpful to be part of a virtual dialogue about being a "failure" with one's diet and exercise choices.



So, at least as far as Facebook goes, I'm done.


I'll post my numbers here at the formal end of the last week, to put up the final bookend to this experience. After the diet is formally over, I'll continue to eat a balanced, whole food diet while also considering the choices I make in the interest of feeling strong and healthy. I will always have to pay close attention to how I care for my body. I can't eat an entire package of Oreos and not feel the ill effects. But I also don't want it to become my raison d'etre, where I am daily scrutinizing every food choice to determine if THAT'S the reason I am up half a pound.


Thank you Liz Vequist, for guiding me to a place where I can eat my cookie and be ok with myself. I feel like my struggles are over.

SFS Fall 2015: Intermittent Fasting (IF)

I'm doing a six-week holistic diet with Liz Vequist in an effort to start feeling fit, active, and inspired. The diet started on Monday, October 26, 2015. 

*****

Today is my first intermittent fasting, or IF day. As I understand it, and IF day is one in which calorie intake is limited to 500-600 (I normally eat 1,750-2,000 calories per day), and one waits to have one's first meal until one is ready to chew one's hand off. The goals are multiple: 

• To make up for "binge days"
• To make it possible to eat whatever one wants on the other five days of the week
• To prevent cancer and other health issues like diabetes and Alzheimer's
• To remind one's body one doesn't actually need to eat as many calories a day as we do in the Western world
• To force the body to consume one's own fat when exercising

There is also a paleo aspect, reminding the body that our hunter-gather ancestors ate intermittently and they did OK. 

On the diet, I'm supposed to have as many as two IF days each week. To get started, we are doing a 6:1 schedule - eat "normal" for six days, and IF for one. 

After four weeks of participation in Liz Vequist's SFS program, which started with a vegan food cleanse in early October, I'm down 11 pounds. I don't feel deprived, I'm not counting calories, and I'm not perseverating on food. 

I'm also not sure I need to IF. 

But, I'll play along. I also didn't think I needed to eat breakfast at work, but when I tried that, it actually had positive benefits. 

So, what does one eat when one is on an IF day? This is what I'm eating

Breakfast: 1/2 cup of aromatic brown rice and two hard-boiled eggs - 249 calories

Lunch: 1/2 cup of aromatic brown rice and 1 cup of sweet and sour red lentil dal - 233 calories

Dinner - 3 oz. steamed cod fillet, 1 cup roasted squash and broccoli, 1 cup steamed kale - 146 calories

Snack - 1/2 cup sliced cucumbers - 8 calories

Total planned calorie count for the day is 636.

My predictions? I'll eat breakfast by 10:00 AM, instead of 8:15 and then I'll perseverate on food for the rest of the day.

What would you do to make an IF day work for your body?

SFS Fall 2015: Positive Affirmations

I'm doing a six-week holistic diet with Liz Vequist in an effort to start feeling fit, active, and inspired. The diet started on Monday, October 26, 2015. 

*****

Week two of the diet starts on Monday, so I'm in prep mode this weekend. On the spiritual side of the diet, we're supposed to identify positive affirmations about our body that we can scatter around our homes, cars and workplaces to help inspire us to make the Slim, Fit and Sexy thing work. 

I actually feel pretty motivated already. This is, in part, a function of the pounds falling off (an indicator my body was ready to lose some weight), and the new Fitbit groups I'm participating in, which, in the first week, motivated me to amp my steps from 7500 each weekday to more than 10k. 

In the spirit of being "in it to win it," I'm creating affirmations anyway. I.m going to trust that even is my conscious self doesn't need them right now, the universe will hold them in readiness for me. 

So here goes:

I am grateful for (something positive about your body): my continuing good health.

I love my (something positive about yourself): enthusiastic and empathic spirit.

I can (positive habit): make better choices to maintain my health and soothe myself when I feel sad.  

What would your affirmations be? 

SFS Fall 2015: A Reason to Get Out of Bed in the Morning

I'm doing a six-week holistic diet with Liz Vequist in an effort to start feeling fit, active, and inspired. The diet started on Monday, October 26, 2015. 

*****

Four full days into this holistic diet and I've learned that I'm eating breakfast too early in the morning. By shifting my weekday breakfast time 75 minutes later in the morning, makes in difference in my feelings of hunger, particularly later in the day. 

I've long held the belief that I shouldn't get out of bed in the morning for the sole purpose of going to work. I want to get out of bed because I have a full and learned life. So, my weekday routine has typically involved the following:
5:45-6:00 AM: Wake up, make coffee, give the cats cookies
6:00-6:30 AM: Drink coffee, check Facebook, read news, play games
6:30-7:00 AM: Get ready for work
7:00-7:30 AM: Make and eat breakfast, get out the door
7:30-8:00 AM: Travel to the office
9:30-10:00 AM: Eat snack at work
11:00 AM: Start perseverating on lunch, walk around and snatch pieces of candy from the generous candy bowls scattered around the office
11:30-11:45 AM: Get lunch (eat at desk)
4:00 PM: Leave work
4:30 PM: Get home, ready to chew my hands off I'm so hungry. Grab a high protein snack. 
4:45-5:30 PM: Make dinner
5:30-5:35 PM: Eat dinner
5:35-9:00 PM: Think about eating sugary treats - either give in or try using wine or tea to satiate my sweet tooth
9:00-10:00 PM: Starting settling down for sleep

But, my routine means I'm often eating breakfast because of the time of day, not because of any hunger I might feel. And then I'm a hungry hungry hippo for the rest of the day. 

So, I'm experimenting with a new routine that looks like this: 
6:00-6:15 AM: Wake up, make coffee, give the cats cookies
6:15-6:45 AM: Drink coffee, check Facebook, read news, play games
6:45-7:05 AM: Get ready for work (I'm very low maintenance)
7:05-7:30 AM: Prep breakfast and lunch to bring to work, make lemon water for the journey, maybe blog or take care of house business (e.g., pay bills)
7:30-8:00 AM: Travel to the office
8:00-8:30 AM: Eat breakfast (at my desk)
11:30 AM: Eat snack
12:30-1:00 PM: Eat most (but not all) of my lunch (at my desk)
1:30-3:00 PM: Leisurely nibble on whatever lunch I couldn't eat at lunch time (at my desk)
4:00 PM: Leave work
4:30 PM: Get home, still feeling full from my afternoon of lunching
5:30 PM: Start thinking about dinner prep
5:30-6:00 PM: Make dinner
6:00-6:15 PM: Eat dinner
7:00 PM: Make evening tea and start settling down for a 9:00 PM bed time

It is amazing to me that shifting breakfast back just 75 minutes can make such a difference in how much I'm snacking and thinking about food. I am more focused in the afternoons, and am pleasant when I get home, instead of a bear because of how hungry I feel. 

Sounds like the shift is working in the interest of my good physical and emotional health. So what's the problem? 

In my brain, eating breakfast at work instead of home implies that my raison d'etre is working, instead of living. There is an inherent lack of balance in consuming two meals at the office instead of just the one. And, because of my commitment to work/life balance, this upsets me. Luckily, I have five more weeks of this diet to figure out if the rewards are worth the trade off. I'll let you know. W

SFS Fall 2015 - Goal Setting

I'm doing a six-week holistic diet with Liz Vequist in an effort to start feeling fit, active, and inspired. The diet starts on Monday, October 26, 2015. 

*****

Week one, day one! We're focusing this week on setting a healthy breakfast routine. I feel like I nailed this during the five-day cleanse, so this doesn't feel like work to me. Which is good, because I still need to finish my goal setting.

From the "diet" workbook:

List 3 goals that you would like to achieve over the next 6 weeks: 

My answer:
1. Beat the sugar addiction
2. Healthier relationship to snacking when I feel anxious
3. Sustainably lose another five pounds.

How will you feel as a result of achieving these goals? 

My answer:
1. More attentive in my marriage
2. More confident in my family relationships
3. Less fearful of health risks

Is there anything that could stop you from achieving these goals? 

My answer:
Those tapes that keeps playing, in spite of my knowing they are old. In spite of my knowing they aren't my story, but instead the story of the people who spoke the recorded words. The tape that tells a five year-old me, "You'd be so pretty if you could just lose some weight." And the tape recorded in Princeton that whispers conspiratorially, "I was told you are built like a linebacker...(but you are actually lovely)."

On a more practical level, my mother-in-law doesn't understand these sorts of shifts in eating (neither does my mother, but she lives 325 miles away).

Is there anything you can start doing now to make sure you achieve your goals?

My answer: 

• I'm not cooking with my husband any longer. This change in my routine helps because our food needs are so different. (This also makes me feel sad, even though it is better for both of us. I can feel the tears welling up inside.)
• I will give myself a daily 45-minute block of time - ostensibly after work - for exercise/movement. 
• I need to let my mother-in-law know what I'm up to, so she doesn't keep asking me to come visit for food/wine/cake.

I want to find a way to symbolically release the tapes. And, I need to think about that a little more.

Good Vegan

I'm doing a five-day food cleanse followed by a six-week diet with Liz Vequist in an effort to start feeling fit, active, and inspired. The cleanse ran from on Monday, October 5, 2015 through Friday, October 9, 2015. The six-week diet kicks off on Thursday, October 22, 2015. 

*****

I hopped onto Facebook while eating lunch at my desk (mixed greens topped with a mixture of quinoa, black beans, corn, slaw veggies, guacamole, and salmon). I was surprised by the more than 10 alerts my page had, and dove in a little deeper. That's when I learned I won the week-long, #wholefoodschallenge, a seven-day contest the week after the cleanse, designed to inspire participants to continue their vegan, whole foods ways. And the 10+ alerts were fellow cleansers people congratulating me on my win.

If one wanted to participate, one needed to post one picture on the secret Facebook group for the cleansers on at least five out of seven days of a vegan, whole foods meal they were enjoying. And you had to complete the post-cleanse satisfaction survey. The prize was a $50 gift certificate to Whole Foods (or Amazon if there was no Whole Foods nearby).

I posted one picture a day for the entire challenge, along with the pictures of the food factory I created on my kitchen counter each time I made a batch of something. Sort of like this:

Dinner: Butternut squash, red lentil and carrot stew served on steamed kale.

 

Five more dinners made with butternut squash/red lentil stew and steamed kale.

I won! I won! I won! I feel like such a good vegan.

The kick-off call for the six-week diet portion of this program is on Thursday, October 22nd at noon. I can't wait to go shopping at Whole Foods for whatever supplies I'll need on the next phase in this personal health journey.

Kraft macaroni and cheese dinner - cleanse day 7

I'm doing a five-day food cleanse followed by a six-week diet with Liz Vequist in an effort to start feeling fit, active, and inspired. The cleanse started on Monday, October 5, 2015.

*****

The five-day cleanse is technically over, and I'm in the waiting period between the cleanse and the start of the six-week "Slim, Fit and Sexy" diet. 

So, it seemed harmless enough to ask my husband for a bite of the leftover Kraft macaroni and cheese dinner last night. This stuff, along with its cousin Hamburger Helper Cheeseburger Macaroni, are like crack for me. After seven days without food additives and dairy, I was curious to learn how it would taste to me, and if it would cause me to fall off the whole foods wagon. (Because crack will do that.)

I put one small fork full in my mouth. 

Blecch!

"It tastes like chemicals," I said, astonished.

My husband laughed. 

Later, I researched the ingredients in the product, The Wegman's website gave me the clearest information: 

The ingredients don't read THAT terribly to me, and I have no idea what tasted so awful. Was it the ferrous sulfate in the macaroni product? Whey protein concentrate in the cheese sauce? Or maybe the sodium alginate? 

It doesn't actually matter, because what I learned is that, so long as I maintain some commitment to whole foods eating, I won't have a taste for the product any longer. Which is good for my health, and good for my husband, who doesn't have to guard his beloved mac and cheese any longer. 

After - cleanse day 6

I'm doing a five-day food cleanse followed by a six-week diet with Liz Vequist in an effort to start feeling fit, active, and inspired. The cleanse started on Monday, October 5, 2015.

*****

This is me after five days on the cleanse. 

Do I look the same to you? I look the same to me. 

Here's my before picture, as a reminder:

And yet I know I'm well-rested, have softer skin, and I'm eight pounds lighter.

In anticipation of the start of the six-week "Slim, Fit and Sexy" program, which I'm calling, "Fit, Active and Inspired," I need to continue to eat whole grain foods at least once a day. (Although the six-week program isn't JUST about food. It is also about being in right relationship with one's body - and includes a free hula hoop for every participant.) 

Nevertheless, being better about *what* I eat is the starting point. So, to keep riding the whole foods train, I'm going to strive to "be a vegetarian before 6:00 (pm) on weekdays. 

How am I going to do this? Careful and creative meal planning for breakfast and lunch. 

The newest Wegmans' Food Market is opening in Massachusetts tomorrow. In anticipation of a grocery shopping extravaganza, I've been scouring Epicurious for interesting whole foods recipes that I can easily make at home. 

What I have planned is the following:

Potential choices for breakfast:

• Plain hot oatmeal with apples
• Whole grains (e.g., brown rice, quinoa) with wilted greens, fried egg and siracha
• Egg white omelet with avocado and wilted greens
• Hot oat and quinoa cereal

And for lunch? 

• Curried squash and red lentil soup
• Kitchari - a recipe we received through the cleanse - essentially spicy rice and mung beans
• Quinoa and red lentil burgers served with roasted sweet potatoes and wilted greens
• A lentil/cauliflower/brown rice stew from my favorite cookbook, Extending the Table

During the week, I'll plan to add animal protein so BMG and I can share meals again. And on the weekends, if BMG and I have an adventure planned, I'll be careful about sugar, processed foods, and fried foods, but won't beat myself up about eating anything that isn't "on the list." 

I'll keep posting pictures of my food, here and in the Cleanse Group Facebook, to keep you inspired and to keep me honest.