Not My Circus

"Not my circus, not my monkeys" is one of my favorite tropes.

Often described as a Polish proverb, to me, this saying acknowledges that drama exists in every person's life. And the drama from other people's lives can be very entertaining. But, at the end of the day, we can only responsible for directing our own circus. 

Which brings me to this week's 52 Lists Project writing prompt, which invites me to: 

"Make a list of the things you will try to ignore."

Now ignore is a tough word, because, by definition, it calls on me to pretend something isn't there. 

Perhaps a result of my commitment to honoring the inherent worth and dignity of every thing, but there are very few things one can actually ignore in the world. On the short list, MAYBE:

1. Paranormal claims, including sightings of the Loch Ness Monster and other mythical beings

2. Conspiracy theories espoused by people with documented and severe mental illness

3. "No-see-ums" and other pesky bugs that potentially annoy, but can't hurt me

4. Dogs barking and other animal noises that are an innate part of their species' behavior

5. Noises - usual and unusual - made by cars either driven by me or near me; I am masterful at simply turning up the volume on the radio

However, I think the spirit of the writing prompt is seeking a different kind of list. I believe this prompt is inviting me to consider making a list of things that distract me from my true north, from being my best self, so that I might try to become impervious to their meddling influence. 

At the top of this list is people and their drama that neither hurt me, nor offer me any discernible opportunity for growth, insight, or other benefit, including:

• Men at work who constantly undermine my success by redoing or challenging projects other men have called "done" 
• Anyone who's last name is "Kardashian" 
• Fights between friends of friends of friends
• Friends who do not have the self-awareness to get unstuck, and have neither requested nor seem receptive to loving feedback
• Co-workers' trials and tribulations with their friends and family
• Bad drivers
• Judgments made of my weight, my housekeeping, my style of dress, my car, my cooking, or any other immaterial aspect of who I am and how I present in the world that comes from a position (conscious or unconscious) of malice or jealousy

This is the list of things I will try to remain immune to, so I can keep my focus on achieving my goals and living my values. 

What is on YOUR list of things you will try to ignore? Of things you will strive to be impervious to?

An Even More Perfect Union

I leave work at 3:00 on Fridays, which means instead of being getting my evening news fix from my pal Robert Siegel on NPR's All Things Considered, I'm forced to listen to PRI's The World. 

Today, on my 25-minute commute, I heard global perspectives on the outcomes of yesterday's Brexit vote. 

During the drive, I stared out the front window of my station wagon thinking not about the predictable traffic and roadways between me and my home, but instead thinking about the 17 million Britons who decided yesterday to leave the EU. 

The reasons for this too complicated for me to understand and certainly too complicated for me to explain. If you don't understand the Brexit vote, I invite you to read coverage in the New York Times and The Economist for two among the thousands of media perspectives on this historic decision by the people, for the people of the United Kingdom. 

One of the rationales given for the "leave" decision was the EU's demand that member nations comply with an open borders policy, making it possible for residents and workers to easily migrate between countries to live and work. And for older, less educated Britons who, like their American counterparts are suffering professional and economically, immigration became the easy scapegoat. One commentator on The World said a "leave the EU" campaign slogan was "Make Great Britain Great Again." 

This is a familiar refrain here in the U.S.

Which got me to thinking. 

What if we simply swapped voters? 

Think about it. The "Leave the EU" voters are kindred spirits of Donald Trump's base of support, while the "Remain in the EU" voters might be compared to Hillary Clinton supporters in their rational appreciation for the benefits that come with a nation state's investment in the collective whole. 

What if we invited the "Leave the EU" people to come live in America, hassle-free, and gave the Hillary supporters the same hassle-free option to move to the UK? 

Don't think about it. Just react. If you are a Hillary supporter, would you take the free pass to Europe? I know I would. 

Post your vote in the comments section. As with Brexit, we'll figure out the details later. 

A Plea to My Liberal Friends in America

Please stop using the words "stupid," "crazy" and all of their colorful variations on social media platforms to label people whose behavior and words indicate they are racist, pro-gun, supporters of the Republican presidential candidate who shall not be named, anti-choice, anti-LGBT, and/or some other variation of evangelical Christian conservative. 

From where I sit, calling a DT voter an "idiot" is no different than calling a rape survivor a "slut" 

"Really?" you say. "How?" 

Because the labels only serve to confirm the worst feelings the person you are labeling has about themselves. Regardless of whether they are conscious of those bad feelings or not, the words serve to step on the self-esteem of another in order to lift your own sense of worth and belonging. The primary purpose of labels are to reinforce oppression. And DT supporters (and anti-choice activists and anti-LGBT activists and gun rights activists, yada yada) DO feel oppressed. 

And when people who feel they are being oppressed are organized, they fight back. Tea Party voters and the hundreds of permutations of their ilk, are well-funded and organized. The more we insult, the harder they deeper they feel about their cause and the harder they fight back. 

Think of the lessons American Civil Rights movement of the 1950s and 1960s. Imagine the protesters outside of Central High School in Little Rock, Arkansas, chanting "N****r go home!" to the members of Little Rock 9 as they bravely played their role in desegregating America's school. Did the civil right activists stop, think, and say, "Golly! You're right. We are n****rs and we should go home. We don't belong in a well-funded and high performing high school. Thanks for helping us see the light."? No, they got madder and louder and more organized until they won that phase of the battle for civil rights. 

Based on my experience as a community organizer and a thoughtful human being, I believe that every time someone posts a news article with a comment that belittles or expresses patronizing disappointment in the opposition, they are contributing to a mood in which the organized opposition gets madder and louder. 

Maybe using these labels helps to make you feel better. Maybe they also make your fellow liberals laugh. I'm sure you feel righteously superior to the "others" whom you are deriding. It's important to express your feelings. I'm a social worker. I get it. I'm as horrified as most of you are every time I read the news or skim through comments on yet another witty meme circulating in Facebook or Twitter.

But, in the grand political scheme, name calling is doing nothing to change the political tenor of our country. In fact, it's making things worse. 

So stop it. please. 

I Blame the DNC (or Right Candidate at the Wrong Time)

Who is to blame for the rise of the American presidential candidate who shall not be named? Republicans say it is President Obama. President Obama says it is the Republicans. Liberal talk show host Bill Maher blames the self-esteem movement. And everyone blames "the media."

Notably absent from the finger pointing is the Democratic National Committee.

And I think they have a lot to do with this.

How?

By choosing to put all of their support behind a presidential candidate who was "owed" the nomination after years of party activism and loyalty. Regardless of how qualified their chosen candidate is, their analysis of their chosen candidate's ability to unite the party was, in my opinion, flawed. Why? Because it did not appear to address:

• The political mood of the country: The high "Obama is to blame for everything is wrong in my life and the world" sentiment - from both sides of the political spectrum - should have been a clue to the party that they needed to move even closer to the center politically and culturally to capture the moderate and conservative vote. Translate this as a "we need a moderate white guy" if you wish. I'm not happy about it, and I accept that at this time, it is also likely true. 
• The likability of their chosen candidate: Regardless of whether Candidate Clinton's "unlikeability" is "fair," "legitimate," or "right," it has been palpable since the first Clinton presidency. Yes, sexism exists and its sucks. But, given all the other factors affecting the election, it should have been clear to the DNC that this presidential election was not the right time to make a socio-political statement about sexism in America. I believe the risks are too high.
• The potential opposition from inside and outside of the party: Given the political mood of the country and the likeability of their candidate, the party should have seen (a) the rise of a social liberal candidate from within the ranks who would divide the Democratic vote, and (b) the rise of Tea Party opposition who would take leadership or further erode the candidacy of the DNC's Chosen One. 

I believe Hillary Clinton is extraordinarily qualified to be President of the United States.  I don't need to debate whether she deserves the nomination or whether she is qualified. (And stop calling me a sexist for not supporting her with all of my heart and soul.).

Unfortunately, I also believe she's the right candidate at the wrong time. And, the rise of He Who Must Not Be Named (seriously, I can't even type his name without feeling sick) proves that a vocal majority of the opposition party agrees with me.

So DNC, consider this one very angry finger pointing in your direction for helping to create these politically scary times.

Snow Days

When I left for work this morning, it was pouring outside. Protecting myself with a rain coat, rain boots, and a golf umbrella, I thought of all the Chicken Littles who had cried about the "terrible storm headed our way." I thought all of the superintendents who closed school would be ridiculed for making the wrong decision. "Boy will they have egg on their faces," I mused smugly.

As I drove the eight miles to my office, I realized that I was the one who had egg on my face. During that 20 minute drive, the temperature dropped nearly 10 degrees, and the rain turned to sleet, which had turned to snow by the time I reached the office park where I spend 40 hours a week. And by the time I left the office, eight hours later? There were at least six inches of snow on the ground and the roads were a slushy, icy mess.

I used to work for a public school system just outside of Boston. One of my responsibilities was to coordinate the public announcements regarding the closure of school due to weather events.

As a result of these responsibilities, I was typically in the loop as the decision to close school was being made.

Here is how I remember it working with the superintendent for whom I worked:

Consideration 1: Safety Outside
If students and staff aren't safe, learning can't happen. The superintendent would begin listening to NOAA forecasts as soon as he got wind of  potentially disruptive weather system. He would then cross-check the forecast to affirm the trajectory and severity of the storm was verified in multiple sources. If it looked like it was definitely going to be bad, and would interfere with the safe arrival or departure from school, then either closure or an delayed opening/early dismissal was considered.

He didn't rely on meteorologists alone. Was the governor was going to call a travel ban? Was the local public transportation system, used by some students to get to school, be closed or delayed? These were also considerations, which meant staying in touch with state education, safety and transportation officials throughout the deliberations.

Consideration 2: Safety Inside 
We also considered the impact on on staff who who lived far outside of our community. Would the storm prevent them from coming to work, resulting in high absenteeism? This could create unsafe conditions for students once they safely arrived at school. If the answer was yes, then either closure or a delayed opening/early dismissal was considered.

Consideration 3: Follow the Leader
To be the only district that closes for a weather event that is a non-event opens one up to ridicule. So, the superintendent would consult trusted colleagues, particularly in the bigger or more respected districts nearby.

Consideration 4: Municipal Obligations
Municipal officials, particularly those who worked for the department of public works (DPW), also had to be considered. DPW needed adequate time to clear parking lots, sidewalks and entryways. While education is important, DPW officials typically had a first obligation to clear the streets and facilities for emergency responders, including the local hospital. If the volume of snow predicted was more than the DPW could clear before the start of school, then closure was considered. This involved countless phone calls with the mayor and superintendent of public works.

In the densely populated town where I worked, local residents were allowed to park in school lots during a declared snow emergency. This was the city strategy for keeping the roads cleared for plows. So, if the mayor was planning to declare a snow emergency, school had to be closed because there would be nowhere for staff members to park when they arrived at work. Which meant we had to stay in even closer touch with the mayor, who was undergoing his own deliberations.

Consideration 5: Convenience for Families
The decision to close school or to call for a delayed opening/early dismissal created hardships for many families, particularly those with working parents who had to scramble for childcare or negotiate alternative schedules or unpaid days off with their employers. This was a consideration not only in the decision to close school, but also in the timing of the decision. The earlier the decision to close could be made and announced, the less disruption for families.

Consideration 6: Meeting Mandatory Education Time
State laws and regulations required that children be in school for 180 days a year. The official school calendar included 185 days, to give wiggle room for up to five snow days. If there were more than five snow days in a given year, the elected school board was required to find time in the schedule to meet the mandatory 180 days of schooling. This might mean extending the school days, eroding previously scheduled holidays or vacation time, extending the school day, or even calling for weekend schooling. No school board wants to do this, because families AND the teachers' unions get up in arms about having their planned personal time taken back by the school district. Extra care was given if the decision to cancel school was going to eat into the legislated mandatory education time.

And once the decision was made, the communication plan had to be executed quickly. Where I worked, I had to alert the media so our closure or delay could be added to the lists that were published, read aloud, and/or scrolled at the bottom of a TV screen, These notifications were managed through phone automation, in which every district had a numeric code and pin number to gain access to the system. Once inside, you had to trust that the number you were choosing ("Press one for a complete closure tomorrow, press two for a delayed opening...") would be coded correctly so families who relied on the news for these announcements would get the right information.

We would then pull together the multi-lingual robo-dial announcement team, typically via conference call, to record the message that would eventually be pushed out to every family in the district. We experimented with pre-recording messages so we could just hit send when we needed to make the announcement, and found it was more effective to record each message separately so we could include the date of the closure. (Families who got the message via voice mail needed to have the exact date of the school closure recorded, so there was no confusion.)

Finally, I needed to update the District website and social properties with the announcement, and alert the City's 411 operators.

And this all had to be done rapidly, as there was no single source of information upon which families relied. The Twitter people would publicly complain if the announcement reached the television viewers before them, while the phone people would call the City's 411 system to ask why they had not yet received their robo-dial call when their neighbors had.

*****

The decision to close school was rarely simple, although there were times when it was easy. There was always at least one constituency who criticized the move, one constituency that didn't think the message reached them quickly enough or in the right format. And, as a non-union school administrator, I nearly always had to go to work on those days when a snow emergency was called. Unless it was one in which a statewide travel ban was instituted.

When I was a child, snow days were so much fun. As a school administrator? Nothing but stress.

Why I'm Voting for Marco Rubio in the Massachusetts Primary

Super Tuesday is on Monday, March 1, 2016. This is when residents of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, along with those in eight other states, cast their votes in the Presidential primary election.


As a liberal pragmatist, I choose to be registered as an independent voter. This means I get my choice of primary ballot on election day. In 2016, I'll pick the Republican ballot and I'll cast my vote for Marco Rubio.


Why?


Because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of a United States of America in which Tea Party candidate Ted Cruz, or, God forbid, Donald Trump, is President.


It is impossible to escape the onslaught of political ads on television, the non-stop audio coverage on public and talk radio, and the news coverage painting the walls of Facebook, Twitter, and Flipboard.


As I listen to this coverage, the liberal in me hears the siren call of Bernie Sanders' supporters and their call for a 'revolution.' But we liberals had our revolution when it President Obama was elected. And now the pragmatist in me sees the writing on the wall. I predict that on November 8th the Republicans will have their turn at revolution.


So I'm voting for Marco Rubio in the primary with the intention of doing my part to try to ensure their revolution is not too extreme. (Rest assured, when the nation turns out to vote in the general election, I will choose whichever Democratic candidate is chosen by the people.)


Who will you pick in your state primary?

The Epitome of Lazy (aka the napkin caper)

I was recently at a cafeteria-style quick serve restaurant. While there, I observed a woman open the napkin dispenser to pull out a paper napkin.

"Oh aren't you clever," I started to exclaim.

But my voice dropped off when I realized she was pulling a 4" stack out of the machine. My eyes got wide and I finished my sentence with "And apparently very messy!"

She smiled at me and said, "I do this because it takes too long to pull out each napkin one by one."

....and all the children are above average

I've decided to stop thinking of people as stupid. This type of judgment doesn't help me honor the inherent worth and dignity of anyone.

Including myself.

Because embedded in the assumption that people are stupid because they don't process ideas and information the way I do is a belief that I'm average. And it logically follows that people who don't do things the way I do are therefore below average.

It dawned on me today that I could reframe my way of people in the world and assume that I'm an outlier, above average.

And the people who do things like show up at a job site without the right equipment and decide they just can't work today - instead of going back to the shop and getting the right equipment, or better yet, asking in advance "What equipment do I need?" - they're not stupid, but rather average.

I guess you could say I'm lowering my standards for humanity. I'm ok with that.

I hate religious hypocrisy

I am not an actively religious person. I am an atheist on most days, and deeply and sincerely respect the religious beliefs of others. My religious experiences have been largely Christian, Jewish, and Unitarian Universalist. I deeply embraces the values embodied in all gods and goddesses - loving kindness, respect for others & self, reverence for the power of people and the planet.

This preamble is intended to set the backdrop for why I was so INCENSED today - Easter Sunday - when someone on Twitter positioned himself as too respectful of the holiness of the day to have an honest discussion about a multi-year grudge he is holding against someone else. THREE tweets later (apparently not too holy a day to ignore me) this self-proclaimed righteous Easter celebrant said the reason he couldn't forgive was because the offender never apologized to him.

Hello hypocrite. Do you know the Christian message of Easter? Surely even the twice a year Christians remember the Sunday School lessons that taught us that Jesus died for our sins. And in so sacrificing His Son, God was forgiving us for the wrongs we had done to Him and each other. The very point of Easter is the spiritual wiping of the slate. No questions asked. All Christians have to do is accept Jesus in their heart and...voila! Forgiveness! God doesn't require an apology to forgive his believers. So this person's Twitter proclamation of it being in poor form to discuss another's sins against him - on Easter of all days - merely tells me this person is 100% missing the point of the holiday.

I'm not in a position to comment on the multi-year grudge - I don't know the back story. But simultaneously claiming religiosity AND a fundamental misunderstanding of Easter makes me wonder what other points the grudge holder is feeling.

That is all.

Dr. Goldman, You're Fired!

Dr Goldman, my all-in-one primary care doctor of the last nine years, is fired. Here is the list of infractions over the last three months:
1. Flagging low blood sugar during my recent well check
2. Flagging high cholesterol during my recent well check
3. Telling me I am healthy as is and don't need to lose weight (I LOVE her for that, but it is bad advice)
4. Insisting I come in for an office visit for what I was pretty sure was a cold by telling me I might have pneumonia
Having an auto referral system that prevented a local urgent care clinic from getting a live time referral and therefore prevented me from getting what ended up being a strep-free throat culture closer to home.

This is not a story of customer service outrage, but rather a reflection on the messed up state of health care services in America. It took me 5.25 hours, a 1/4 tank of gas, and either visits to or communication with five separate medical practices to get a throat culture today. Let's review:
Step One: At 10:30 this morning, concerned about my fever seeming unabated I called my primary care doctor, who insisted I come in to the office for a throat culture.
Step Two: At 12:22 PM BMG checks in while on his lunch hour to see how I am doing. Hearing that I didn't feel well enough to make the 2-hour round trip drive, he suggests I might be able to get a throat culture closer to home.
Step Three: At 12:37 PM I call my primary care provider only to learn the entire office is shut down for an hour while they take lunch.
Step Four: At 1:06 PM, I call my primary care provider to ask if I can get a throat culture closer to home, like, for example, at the urgent care center at South Shore Hospital. They say, "Sure, you can do that."
Step Five: I hop into the car and drive to South Shore Hospital. Arriving at approximately 1:45 PM, I park, head to the concierge and ask for directions to the urgent care clinic. That's when I'm told they South Shore Hospital doesn't have an urgent care center. "I'm told they are concerned about competition with CVS," says the nice man at the hospital concierge desk.
Step Six: At 1:56 PM I call BMG who helps me find another medical practice in the area with "Urgent Care" in the practice name.
Step Seven: At 1:59 PM I call the new practice only to learn they don't provide urgent care services to anyone other than their patients. They give me the name of ANOTHER nearby medical practice.
Step Eight: At 2:02 PM I call what is now the fourth doctor's office I've talked with today, explain my need. They say "Sure you can come in."
Step Nine: At 2:22 I arrive at the fourth practice. It is sketchy inside, but I'm desperate. I explain my situation and they ask me if I'm in the market for a new doctor. I look at them and say, "I'd like to take care of my immediate need for a throat culture before I answer that question." The receptionist insists they can't see me without a referral from my doctor. I give them my doctor's phone number. They call and claim the phone just "rings and rings."
Step Ten: At 2:26 I call my primary care provider from my cell phone, and go through the voice activated referral line and submit a referral request. I hang up and tell the sketchy practice the referral has been requested. They say they won't see me if they can't talk to my doctor's office directly. My doctor's office won't talk with them directly and apparently the sketchy practice can't make a phone call.
Step Eleven: At 2:29 PM I leave in a sweaty huff and call BMG and tell him I'm giving up.
Step Twelve: Concerned about my apparent lack of concern for my health he (a) tells me again my doctor sucks and I need a new one, and (b) realizing that isn't helpful in the moment (after I scream, "That doesn't help me right now"), he finds a CVS 1-Minute Clinic a short 8 miles from home.
Step Thirteen: I drive back towards home to the CVS clinic. The medical provider administers a rapid strep test, affirms I don't have strep, and sends me home at 3:15 PM with an order to drink fluids and get plenty of rest.

Aughhh!

What if I didn't have a car? Or a cell phone? Or someone who could help me with web research during my muddled state? What if I were toting kids around with me on this stupid odyssey?

It is no wonder to me that America's health status relative to the cost per capita spent on health services is lowest among industrialized, shoot, even developing, nations. If I was more than a little sick, had kids, or was using public transportation I would have stopped at Step Five and gone directly to the emergency room. As it was I had resources, including a degree in public health, that led me to make the choices I made today (for better or for worse).

And it is with these resources that I'm going to find a new all-in-one primary care provider who can see me with minimal travel hassles the next time I'm too sick to drive to work.

The Miracle of Potlucks

I grew up in a handful of church communities where potluck suppers, particularly during Lent, where de rigueur. My family would show up with casserole, a bag filled with our plates and silverware, and we'd sit down to eat. I was always intrigued by the smorgasbord on the table. How many other people brought homemade mac and cheese, I'd wonder as I scanned the table deciding what I'd want to eat. Potlucks provided an opportunity to share one of your family staples with friends, while also trying something new.

As I went through graduate school, potlucks were a strategy for hosting a dinner party without breaking the bank. Later, when I moved through my hippie phase, they were democratic social gatherings. Everyone gets to contribute, the meal was never extravagant, and there were no class barriers for we didn't know who brought the Tofurkey with all the fixings, or who brought the bag of mealey apples.

Wikipedia, for better or for worse, tells us that a potluck is a meal with no particular menu. For me, a potluck is a meal where the whims of the guest create the menu. What you eat is the amalgam of luck, desire, and individual taste. Everyone brings brownies? Awesome! Brownies for dinner. How lucky is that?

Potlucks are never planned, always a surprise.

So, for all of you people who call to ask "what can I bring?" when invited to a potluck, I offer you the Eight Commandments of Potluck Dinners:
1. Stop asking "what can I bring?" If your host or hostess wanted to tell you what to bring s/he would not have planned a potluck.
2. Take a deep breath and think about what you want to eat at the party, what meal you'd like to share or show off, and what your time, budget & energy level can handle. And then bring that.
3. Don't worry if everyone else brings the same thing you did. That's the fun of a potluck. Seriously.
4. Don't bring anything to the party that requires (a) baking, or (b) extensive preparations before it can be served. I once went to a New Year's Eve potluck where someone brought a bag of dried black eyed peas to cook. She ended spending the whole time at the stove while everyone else danced and drank. She missed most of the party and, by the time the peas were ready to eat, people were too full or had actually left the party.
5. Don't have a lot of time or a lot of cash? Who cares. Go to the grocery store, buy two Granny Smith Apples, a box of Triscuit, and an 8 oz. block of cheddar and you're done. Is that too much work? No problem. Swing by the corner store en route to the party and grab a bag of chips. You won't be the first person to do this and you won't be the last.
6. Don't bring anything that requires other ingredients. For example, if you bring margarita mix (fun!) and expect your host to have tequila, a blender and ice, you may end up bringing the loser dish of the day. The lesson here is if you bring margarita mix, also bring the tequila, the blender, and the ice.
7. Don't bring anything that requires unusual serve ware. No soup, no gallon tubs of ice cream (popsicles or Hoodsies are fine), no lobsters. Period. Expect your host/ess has plates, cups and plastic silverware and plan around that.
8. Expect that the food you bring will be served in the vessel that carried it to the party. If you want your great-aunt's silver tray back, put your name on it in a discrete place so the host/ess knows who it belongs to as s/he cleans up after the party. If you want to bring your serving vessel home with you plan accordingly.

What potluck advice would you add? Leave a note in the comment section so we can help each other develop the faith needed to believe in the miracle of potlucks.

PMS Cafe'

This is my new restaurant, open 24 hours, seven days a week and serving an all-you can eat buffet that includes:

On the sweet side:

• Chocolate bars


• Chocolate ice cream


• Cupcakes (all varieties)


• Boston cream pie

On the salty, greasy side:

• Chinese food


• Cheese (all varieties)


• Pepperoni pizza with extra cheese


• Crudite with french onion dip


• Potato and/or tortilla chips (all varieties except baked)


• Carnitas, hold the rice, hold the veggies, hold the beans, hold the tortillas


• Movie popcorn


• French fries - with cheese, gravy or ketchup


• Macaroni and cheese

On the salty, greasy, sweet side:

• Chocolate covered potato chips


• Peanut butter by the spoonful (side order of M&Ms optional)

All special orders honored upon request.

Private booth seating for one comes with complimentary headsets with affirmations that repeat, "Yes dear, you're right dear," "No, those shorts don't make you look fat," and "I didn't even notice that blemish on your cheek;" televisions exclusively tuned to Lifetime for Women, Wedding Central, Discovery Health, and the Oxygen Network (coming soon - the Oprah Network!); and collectors' editions of OK, Star, and US magazines featuring movie stars with the worst bikini bodies and botched plastic surgery procedures.

Forget the mint! All checks delivered with a complimentary pair of ibuprofen and your choice of diuretic.

Getting Older Part One: No longer sweating the small stuff

As I get older I'm finding things that once aggravated me to the point of being incensed no longer have the same head spinning effect on me. Things like:

• Inappropriate use of apostrophes


• Professional correspondence with obvious spelling errors


• Grammatical errors in general (printed or spoken)


• People playing loud music in cars with the windows rolled down


• Disruptive teenagers in public spaces


• People who wonder why other people don't do things exactly like they do


• Heavyset people wearing horizontal stripes


• Designers and manufacturers who produce clothing for heavyset people with horizontal stripes


• Panty lines, whale tails, or colored/printed underpants with see through pants or skirts.

My boss often says, "If people knew better, they'd do better." I've come to believe this. People and institutions don't do the things above to aggravate me, and make the world intentionally ugly and unhappy.

To be fair, there ARE things that continue to inspire irrational responses from me, like:

• Dog poo left in public spaces


• People who are rude to retail and restaurant employees


• Screaming children left unsoothed in public spaces.

You COULD say I was once a very uptight person who let minor issues take over her life. I would counter by saying I once had expectations that the world could be a harmonious and beautiful place. What I know now is that the world will never be perfect.

What is even better is knowing that I no longer "need" it be perfect in order to feel safe and at peace in my day-to-day life. Expecting, needing something to happen that is impossible is only a set-up for failure - mine and those of the people around me.

Ah, it is good to grow older.

Patriotic Thaw

Create your own country? Who thinks they can create their own country? I don't have the kind of hubris or creativity that would let me consider seriously the idea of throwing in the towel in my native land and just starting my own republic.

This Independence Day I've been thinking much more gratefully about the events that led the European settlers to travel across an ocean to begin the process of starting the nation that is, for better or worse, my home country.

Like a good progressive Democrat, with a dash of hippie thrown in, I've spent much of my adulthood feeling more ashamed than proud of being an American. What contributes to this shame? The perception that we're the bullies on the international playground, we consume more than our share of the world's resources, we are xenophobes who don't respect differences among people, and we hoard more wealth than people of other nationalities. This ethos of shame has only been cemented by experiences like the time, during the presidency of the second Mr. Bush, a cranky European yelled at me for being a loud American while I was traveling on a French train.

I've been surprised, in the lead up to this Independence Day weekend, by feelings of patriotism popping up at unexpected times. Observing homeless vets begging for spare change from passers-by in downtown Boston, cruising past Adams National Park in nearby Quincy, MA on my to and from work, looking at the rather unimpressive Plymouth Rock on a weekend excursion, watching fireworks while mindlessly humming the lyrics to the "Star Spangled Banner," and stopping to watch local firemen hang a large American flag across an intersection the night before the big parade. In these and other activities what I'm feeling is a sense of timeless and single-minded hopefulness, expansive possibility, and chutzpah. The strength of character or depth of pain one needs to feel to travel by ship across an ocean, or by wagon across a prairie, to settle a new land inspires me. I yearn for the intellectual excitement and repartee of writing a brand new national constitution, one that could become the model for many young republics follow. I want to create something brand new that makes a positive difference in my life, and the lives of the people who come after me.

I am certain this patriotism is partly inspired by the work of President Barack Obama. I'm not a Pollyanna however, I work for a local government and I know firsthand our system of government has flaws. That's because our nation, like all nations, is run by human beings. I'm sure the Iroquois chieftains fought amongst themselves, and Mayan peoples engaged in nation building and underhanded political acts for their personal benefit. (Europeans wiped out many native peoples as the Americas were colonized, which is crappy. But said native peoples weren't any better than we are.)

What I do know, this July 4, 2010, is that the values and experiences - the hope, the possibility, the hardship - that have shaped this nation have different meaning to me today. When I look at our flag, with its 50 stars and 13 red and white stripes, I feel an appreciation for the chutzpah it takes to declare independence from a nation or set of ideals, and for the on-going struggle to sustain and adapt these new ideals in an evolving culture. With my eyes wide open to the realities of our nation's flaws and strengths, today I feel proud to be an American.

The perfect gift for your favorite paranoiac!

Does your mother sleep with a knife under her pillow to attack bad guys who might sneak into her home while she's sleeping?

Is your brother-in-law actively preparing his family to fight back in the event of a zombie apocalypse?

Does your partner maintain a list of things to worry about online?

If so your family is JUST like mine. And that's why I recommend that you consider purchasing the Zombie Table. This solid and attractive table features a small, circular table top almost impossibly cantilevered on a center leg resting on a reflective pedestal. The Danish modern style table will add to the decor in any home. And...when bad guy, zombies and bees strike, the table can be converted in two quick moves into a solid wooden shield and a bat that you can use to defend yourself and wound your enemies.

Consider buying one to give it to your mother to use as a bedside table so she can put away the knife and immediately reduce her risk of stabbing herself in the brain by 100%!

How about buying two for your brother-in-law to put by the front and back door to his home so he is ready should zombies ring the bell before they break in?

And increase the peace at home by buying one for your partner to strap to his scooter so he is ready for whatever perils the world has in store for him.

Tables are ready to be shipped immediately. Some assembly required, and the table comes with a helpful zombie fighting training video.

Search for "zombie table" online and get yours today.

"The missing man was last seen wearing..."

"...white Nike sneakers, blue jeans, a green T-shirt, and a red North Face jacket."

It strikes me that this is the dumbest way to get the public psyched up to help find missing people, kidnapped children, and criminals. Putting on a new outfit is the EASIEST thing to change about oneself or one's captive. So why is it one of the first things our public safety officers and journalists report on when they need help finding someone?

Imagine this scenario: I see the man above (who has been missing from a nearby suburb for a week). I've scrutinized his photo in the paper and realize this guy, who is hitchhiking along a highway, looks identical to the missing man EXCEPT he is wearing Green Chuck Taylors, black jeans, a black t-shirt and a dingy Members' Only jacket. And I decide not to call the police tip line because the guy I see isn't wearing the identifying clothing reported in the paper. This could happen, right? People aren't that smart.

Maybe this is why we have scores of websites in this nation dedicated to finding fugitives, missing children and missing people?

The Abolitionist

If I were Queen of the Universe I would abolish the following things:
1. Horizontal striped outfits for plus sized people,
2. Transition lenses for children, particularly adolescents and young teens,
3. White pants in all sizes
4. Black sneakers, particularly with white socks.
Some might say I am restricting human liberty. This may be the case. However, there are examples of US law that have held up in court that put the interests of the people over individual freedoms. Using this as my precedent, I would abolish the manufacture and sale of the above items in the interest of helping every human being look their best to avoid teasing and social branding on the basis of clothing choices.

Nuclear Equity

As I listen to the latest public radio discussions about nuclear non-proliferation talks with North Korea I find myself with a sneaking suspicion about the motives of the nuclear powers.

I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around the justice or equity of a nuclear power telling emerging nuclear power they can't have this authority because it is too dangerous. It plays to my heart and mind like a rich person telling a poor person they don't really want lots of money - because it is a lot of responsibility and it is scary and they (the poor person) aren't really equipped to deal with that. What makes the U.S. or any other nuclear power any better equipped to handle nuclear power than another nation? Our leaders aren't necessarily smarter (you can make that argument from either side of the aisle depending who is in The White House). Is it because our leaders are democratically elected and therefore more accountable? If we have nuclear holocaust the last thing I'll be worrying about is government accountability. Because I'm pretty sure I'll be dead or hanging on by the skin of my, well, skin. I know there is a nuclear non-proliferation treaty signed in 1970 (seriously) that was really driven (I think) by the zealotry of the Cold War. Not because nuclear power and weaponry is inherently bad. But because the U.S. and the then Soviet Union were out of control.

My instinct is that we don't want India or Iran or Pakistan or North Korea to have nuclear power because then they'd be as powerful as we are.

Before my liberal friends pop in righteously, I want to be clear that I'm not pro-nuke. Instead I'm anti-hypocrisy (or pro-integrity if you will). IF the U.S. were both advocating for developing nuclear powers to back off AND working towards our nation's own nuclear disarmament I wouldn't be writing this blog post. No moral dilemma and no sneaking suspicion about the power motive being the dominant motive behind our rhetoric on the world stage.

Liberal dilemma

Is there anyone out there who feels there is a dearth of cell phone storefront operations available in their neighborhood? If yes, I'd like to hear from you. Because I cannot, in my wildest dreams, imagine that there are people in this world who find themselves in a quandry over the lack of bobo cell phone shacks. Along my 18-miles commute I've seen two new cell phone stores open up in just the last month.

The liberal in me is desperate for the hopeful franchisees from Pakistan and Vietnam or whatever down and out locales either foreign and domestic from which they hail to make it in our capitalistic economy.

And the smart person in me thinks these people are stupid for sinking their savings into a business that no one wants, in an overcrowded marketplace where many people can use the Internet to get their needs met on their own time in their comfort of their own homes.

Elephant garlic is stupid, or things don't have to be bigger to be better

Garlic is not a staple on the shelves in the box box grocery store nearest to my home here in the suburbs. We can buy enormous jars of over processed, pre-crushed garlic in olive oil. Organic garlic is available for a hefty price in plastic containers with no fewer than four bulbs each. And then there is the elephant garlic. Giant bulbs in purple plastic cases for the hefty price of $1.99 per bulb. And that's it.

Desperate for garlic and not really wanting to trek the length of the main thoroughfare running through town to get to the boutique grocery store, I bought a head of elephant garlic this week.

Every time I look at the bulb I cringe. Each clove of garlic is (a) too big to fit in any non-industrial sized garlic press, (b) too hefty to crush easily with the back of a spoon or a small pan, and (c) almost devoid of taste. And that's really the problem. Bigger vegetables and fruits tend to not be as flavorful, because the extra air and water that make them big in turn dilute the power of the taste and maybe the nutritional content.

In addition to not tasting very good, unnaturally large fruits and vegetables are well known to pose threats both spiritual and mortal. Roald Dahl's story James and the Giant Peach is banned by censors around the world for its graphic and allegedly terrifying story about the dangers lurking inside over sized fruit. Comedian Morgan Spurlock rose to fame in 2004 with his film Super Size Me which demonstrated how over sized potatoes (in french fry form) could ruin one's health in just 30 short days.

So, whose idea was it to make vegetables bigger? And why? Okay, maybe bigger carrots and bigger potatoes to feed hungry people in hungry places like Sudan and North Korea. But bigger garlic? We don't need bigger garlic. It is stupid.

In Smart Town, there will be a moratorium on elephant garlic, enormous eggplant, and rotund rutabagas. We won't need them because all of the people will have enough to eat and will enjoy only delicious food. However, there will be no moratorium on Roald Dahl books, or any stories about boys who explore all there is to see inside giant pitted fruits.