Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Stepford Gifts

My home has been barraged with ad circulars and catalogues over the last month. I was kind of hoping the catalogue people wouldn't find me when I moved, but apparently they have, or a whole new crop of catalogue people has discovered where I live.

I thumbed through a glossy, four-page ad for a big box housewares store this evening while waiting for my sister, who was at Target, to return a call. I found the circular to be depressing because of the Stepford Wives-like quality of the goods being hawked. Things like,
Talking picture frames ($19.99-$139.96)
"Mr. Beer" Deluxe Home Edition Brew Kit ($29.99)
"Retro Series Hot Air Popcorn Maker ($39.99)
Pet nail trimmers ($19.99)
Personal, hand-held breathalyzer ($14.99)
Hot chocolate maker ($19.99).

As I absent-mindedly turned the pages all I could imagine was hundreds of Christmas trees with the exact same collection of plastic crap assembled underneath them. And when these presents are all unwrapped, every person in every home will be listening to their identical talking photo frame as they enjoy the identical scents wafting from their identical mini reed diffusers, chugging their 8th glass of identical home brew chilled in their identical under-the-counter wine coolers. And they will know they are drunk because they have measured their blood alcohol levels with their identical breathalyzer/key rings.


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