Not My Circus

"Not my circus, not my monkeys" is one of my favorite tropes.

Often described as a Polish proverb, to me, this saying acknowledges that drama exists in every person's life. And the drama from other people's lives can be very entertaining. But, at the end of the day, we can only responsible for directing our own circus. 

Which brings me to this week's 52 Lists Project writing prompt, which invites me to: 

"Make a list of the things you will try to ignore."

Now ignore is a tough word, because, by definition, it calls on me to pretend something isn't there. 

Perhaps a result of my commitment to honoring the inherent worth and dignity of every thing, but there are very few things one can actually ignore in the world. On the short list, MAYBE:

1. Paranormal claims, including sightings of the Loch Ness Monster and other mythical beings

2. Conspiracy theories espoused by people with documented and severe mental illness

3. "No-see-ums" and other pesky bugs that potentially annoy, but can't hurt me

4. Dogs barking and other animal noises that are an innate part of their species' behavior

5. Noises - usual and unusual - made by cars either driven by me or near me; I am masterful at simply turning up the volume on the radio

However, I think the spirit of the writing prompt is seeking a different kind of list. I believe this prompt is inviting me to consider making a list of things that distract me from my true north, from being my best self, so that I might try to become impervious to their meddling influence. 

At the top of this list is people and their drama that neither hurt me, nor offer me any discernible opportunity for growth, insight, or other benefit, including:

• Men at work who constantly undermine my success by redoing or challenging projects other men have called "done" 
• Anyone who's last name is "Kardashian" 
• Fights between friends of friends of friends
• Friends who do not have the self-awareness to get unstuck, and have neither requested nor seem receptive to loving feedback
• Co-workers' trials and tribulations with their friends and family
• Bad drivers
• Judgments made of my weight, my housekeeping, my style of dress, my car, my cooking, or any other immaterial aspect of who I am and how I present in the world that comes from a position (conscious or unconscious) of malice or jealousy

This is the list of things I will try to remain immune to, so I can keep my focus on achieving my goals and living my values. 

What is on YOUR list of things you will try to ignore? Of things you will strive to be impervious to?

I'm No Fun

"Make a list of the things you do for fun," instructs the book 52 Lists.

My heart sink. "Dang it," I thought. "This is going to be hard."

There isn't a lot I do for "fun." This is one of the reasons why I fell in love with BMG, because he is all about the pleasure principle, and balances my instincts to dedicate my time to "getting things done."

I said to BMG, as we talked about the exercise, "There are things I do to relax. There are things I do because they are satisfying. There are things I do that make me happy. But FUN? I'm not sure there is anything I do for FUN."

"And you see how that's a problem, right?" he replied.

So I thought a little harder. And tried to recall activities that make me throw my head back with laughter, or cause me nothing but joy. I came up with this meager list:

1. Road trips with my husband
2. Going to the movies in a theater, particularly matinees
3. Watching good comedy
4. (Sometimes) shopping, especially for Christmas gifts or in foreign grocery stores
5. Playing console video games, like Zelda, which I haven't done this since at least 2012
6. Going on amusement park rides, which I haven't done since maybe 2011
7. Whitewater rafting, which I haven't done since at least 2004

What is the lesson learned from this 52 Lists post? Maybe I need to be doing more to have fun in my life. So if you are looking for me today, I'll be shopping.

You Say You Want a Revolution?

Two of my neighbors are feeling the burn for Bernie Sanders. It feels like every other Facebook post from them is is proclaiming the revolution is upon us.

One of the many things that makes my neighbors great is that we can have a political conversation in which we disagree with one another. And I disagree mightily with the idea that Bernie Sanders is going to create a revolution.

I think electing Barack Obama was revolution enough for these United States. Eight years after his moderate governance, a presidency marked by enormous but understated success and peaceful, loving kindness towards our fellow humans, what I believe we're seeing is a pendulum swing towards the extreme and hateful right.

I don't need to go through the litany of disagreements with Donald Trump. Or Ted Cruz. Or [insert tea party candidate name here]. You only need to Google these politicans' names to find comparisons to Adolph Hitler, David Duke, Vladimir Putin, and other powerful hatemongers.

And this is where I think revolution is going to be born. In hundreds of battles against the loud, angry, racist, and hateful factions of our country and the peaceful, tolerant loving factions. And, as we're seeing, this is not a revolution that falls neatly along political lines, geographic boundaries, income, or religion. But I believe it will be a revolution.

I was recently reading a biography of Charles Manson. I returned the book to the library without finishing it. The backdrop from which the Manson family emerged, juxtaposed against the current political landscape was too upsetting to me. It feels like we're going to have a revolution on the scale of the civil rights struggle, with massive waves of civil disobedience and violence of a type we have not seen since the 1970s - in all corners of our nation. In fact, we're seeing it start with the Black Lives Matter movement, and the hundreds of rallies across the country in support of an end to the aggressive use of force, particularly against people of color, by public safety officers.

I can stand on the side of love, but love doesn't seem to touch the chuckleheads who decide to give toddlers the right to carry firearms, the fidiots who think that calling for justice for one racial category necessarily means that one is therefore against justice for people of all other races, the ignoramuses who think they have to vote for Trump because they want to "get that (black man) out of the White House." (Guess what? Whether Trump is elected or not, he's leaving in January because he CAN'T BE RE-ELECTED.)

So I'm pissed. I'm pissed because if I had a five year plan, it would NOT INCLUDE joining a revolution against racism and other forms of fear and hate.

I think Bernie Sanders was right when he said it was time for a revolution. But I predict we won't see it with his presidential candidacy. We *will* see it with a President Trump (I can't even type those two words without throwing up a little in my mouth).

With the primary election over in my state, I'm ready for the first battle in this revolution, which is putting everything I can muster behind whomever the Democratic candidate for president is. Who's with me? (Now, where did I put my beret?)

Chucklehead leaf blowers

I don't care if you rake your leaves or not. Generally speaking, nature is self-regulating and raking one's yard in autumn is a social convention intended to keep one's lawn looking green and lush.

If you do choose to rake, how you clear your yard of leaves is irrelevant to me - ol' fashion' arm-powered rakes, leaf blowers, whatever.

HOWEVER, I DO care if you use a leaf blower to merely move your leaves into the street for someone else to take care of, or worse, into your neighbor's yard.

Image source: http://goretro.blogspot.com

If you own a yard and you want your lawn to be the envy of the neighborhood, stop behaving like a chucklehead and bag your leaves. Simply clearing them but leaving them for someone else to deal with is no different than leaving your grocery cart in the middle of the parking lot, nudging your dog's diarrhea into tall grass at the foot of the neighbor's driveway where you *think* no one will see/smell/step in it, or blocking traffic during rush hour because you HAD to make that left hand turn across three lanes of traffic to get to your favorite Dunkin' Donuts.

You don't want to deal with your yard waste? Guess what? No one else does either. And if I'm forced to, all I'm likely to do is bag it up and put it back in your yard.

....and all the children are above average

I've decided to stop thinking of people as stupid. This type of judgment doesn't help me honor the inherent worth and dignity of anyone.

Including myself.

Because embedded in the assumption that people are stupid because they don't process ideas and information the way I do is a belief that I'm average. And it logically follows that people who don't do things the way I do are therefore below average.

It dawned on me today that I could reframe my way of people in the world and assume that I'm an outlier, above average.

And the people who do things like show up at a job site without the right equipment and decide they just can't work today - instead of going back to the shop and getting the right equipment, or better yet, asking in advance "What equipment do I need?" - they're not stupid, but rather average.

I guess you could say I'm lowering my standards for humanity. I'm ok with that.

A Tweetise on Customer Service

A treatise, I learned today, is a long exposition on the principles or philosophy of a topic. A treatise is generally longer than an essay.

I would like to rant about customer service, but don't want to write a treatise. (Bet you don't want to read one either.) So I'll keep it short, a tweetise, if you will.

Through both the wedding planning process and the home renovation process, I have been continually astonished at the poor response times of sales people. As a result, I have the following advice to anyone who is in the position of selling anything - from widgets to ideas - please consider the following:

1. If reaches out by phone or email to inquire about spending money at your business, respond using the same method they used within two business days.
2. If someone says they are very interested in spending money at your business, respond even faster than you did the first time.
3. If you tell a client you will be in touch with pricing in 24 hours, be sure to get that pricing ready in 24 hours - or be prepared to reach out and say you need more time.
4. If you are not interested in responding within these time frames, consider shutting down your business, or at least shutting down your business development systems. Because you clearly don't need new business.

Some businesses, like the bank giving you the construction loan to finance your home renovation, have you over a barrel and can take as long as they damn well please to return a call. Other businesses, like a caterer or kitchen designer, are presumably in the process of continuously nurturing new clients.If I've taken the time to call you, I'm potentially ready to make a buy. So call me back. Please. Call me back.

Priorities

In the early evening of December 13th I was trying to balance a retirement party for a dear acquaintance and former colleague, and dinner with my future mother-in-law. A meeting at work ran late and I decided to skip the retirement party, rationalizing to myself, "I'm terrible at big parties (which is true) and I can make a date to see my friend later."

The person whose retirement party I missed had a heart attack the following day, on Friday, December 14th. He was hospitalized, and died eleven days later, on Christmas morning. His name was Peter Lee.

I never sent Peter a card.

I'll never have the opportunity to catch up with Peter one-on-one afterwards.

He wasn't a close friend. But I'm pissed that I didn't stand up for myself and leave that work meeting when I said I would leave the work meeting. Instead, I let the slow-talking consultant take an extra 25 minutes of my time, when I had made it clear I didn't have the time, to reiterate points to the assembled group that I already knew. I did this because I had been arguing with the consultant about the soundness of his practice and his inability to define his deliverables and his timelines ahead of time. Because I felt bad about being firm with him on the phone, I politely acquiesced when he took extra time at the meeting on December 13th.

And now I've missed the opportunity to tell Peter Lee how much I appreciated working with and learning alongside him.

I'm pissed at myself for once again letting my work relationships get in the way of my life relationships.

I hate religious hypocrisy

I am not an actively religious person. I am an atheist on most days, and deeply and sincerely respect the religious beliefs of others. My religious experiences have been largely Christian, Jewish, and Unitarian Universalist. I deeply embraces the values embodied in all gods and goddesses - loving kindness, respect for others & self, reverence for the power of people and the planet.

This preamble is intended to set the backdrop for why I was so INCENSED today - Easter Sunday - when someone on Twitter positioned himself as too respectful of the holiness of the day to have an honest discussion about a multi-year grudge he is holding against someone else. THREE tweets later (apparently not too holy a day to ignore me) this self-proclaimed righteous Easter celebrant said the reason he couldn't forgive was because the offender never apologized to him.

Hello hypocrite. Do you know the Christian message of Easter? Surely even the twice a year Christians remember the Sunday School lessons that taught us that Jesus died for our sins. And in so sacrificing His Son, God was forgiving us for the wrongs we had done to Him and each other. The very point of Easter is the spiritual wiping of the slate. No questions asked. All Christians have to do is accept Jesus in their heart and...voila! Forgiveness! God doesn't require an apology to forgive his believers. So this person's Twitter proclamation of it being in poor form to discuss another's sins against him - on Easter of all days - merely tells me this person is 100% missing the point of the holiday.

I'm not in a position to comment on the multi-year grudge - I don't know the back story. But simultaneously claiming religiosity AND a fundamental misunderstanding of Easter makes me wonder what other points the grudge holder is feeling.

That is all.

Irony

Would it be considered ironic to say, "Now that my car was wrecked by a bus I have NO WAY to get to work," if, in fact, the only way to get to work is on a bus?

I don't think it is ironic. It just sucks.

Tilting at Pistachios

So I'm at the fancy new supermarket that opened 9 days ago, waiting at the fish counter to get a 1/2 pound of shrimp. A very well coiffed, older woman appears next to me. She is a walking stereotype of the moneyed class - you know the type with Louise Vuitton (or was it Gucci - I can't tell) purse hanging off her forearm, uberbranded sunglasses on her face (she was indoors and it was raining outside), riding jodhpurs, and very shiny gold hanging off whatever body part could accommodate the expensive hardware.

I glance at her briefly, turn back to the fish case, and then hear a small ping. I look back at the woman, see her staring at the ground, and realize she has dropped a pistachio shell. I can see it plainly, resting on the brand new floors maybe 1.5 feet from her own well clad feet. "Can she see it?" I wonder. "Well of course she can see it! It's right there!" I mentally point.

The woman looks up from the ground and begins staring straight ahead.

"Oh my god! She's going to leave her trash on the ground. I can't believe it. She knows she dropped it. She knows it couldn't have gone too far. What the heck?" I'm in a state of irritated disbelief.

The internal dialogue continues.

"Should I say something? Should I pick it up? Do I just leave it for the staff to find when they clean up after the store closes? If I dropped it and KNEW that I dropped it I'd pick it up. I mean, this is a BRAND new store - it isn't like we're at an outdoor market or something. Picking up your trash is respectful of the people who have to clean up after me. But she must not be respectful of the "peons" who work here, who wait on her. I mean, look at her, she is obviously accustomed to people taking care of her. Oh my god, she is such a bitch."

The rant goes on while I continue to wait.

"I really have to say something to her, to hold her accountable for her actions, to let her know people are watching and judging her behavior. I won' forgive myself if I don't say something. This is what it means to believe in something, and I believe in respect, and beauty. I cannot let this type of behavior slide without commenting. If I do what else will I be silent about. I CANNOT BELIEVE she did that!"

I turn to her and say haltingly, "Uhm excuse me, I think you dropped something." I point to the shell on the floor, "You surely weren't going to leave that there, were you?"

The woman looks at me and then to the ground. She leans over, picks up the shell, and places it in her palm, which then slowly closes around the once discarded object. All without saying a word.