Narcisselfie: A new word

Narcisselfist - someone who shares an irregular number of random self-portrait on social networking sites for no other apparent reason than to passively solicit some sort of empathic reaction from friends both real and virtual. I experience narcisselfists as needy, attention grabbers - regardless of whether the reaction they seek is a "You look mahvelous" or "Gah! I'm so sorry that happened to you!"

I understand selfies taken and posted when something extraordinary is happening - sharing the euphoria of a visit to the Taj Mahal (or the Grand Canyon or even America's Stonehenge), documenting a special date with family or a dear friend, or even showing off a particularly flattering haircut. To me, these selfies are best understood with clear explanations - so no opportunity for misinterpretation of the intent of the photo. "Look! I'm at the Taj Mahal! "lucky" or "Yup, I really DID get my hair chopped off. I love it."

But selfies taken and shared for selfies' sake? I read them as pure, irritating narcissism.

In a past life...

...I was clearly an animist.

The evidence, you ask?

I intentionally rotate my underpants in the drawer, out of a concern that underpants that might not get as much wear will feel bad because I'm not using them.

Why I Love CES

CES, the Consumer Electronic Show, is held in Vegas the first full week in January.

I love CES. Why? Because I'm home alone for eight full days. Hooray!

This is what CES 2014 looks like to me:

• A rearranged living room - NOW the room makes sense and has more space. I feel like I can fully relax in the space
• The addition of120 square feet of living space to The Tiny Bungalow by clearing out and organizing the office (hooray)
• A fridge full of vegetables and vegetarian, whole grain plans for dinner
• Meals prepared for the next two days 
• A home lit by candles and table lamps - overhead lighting be gone
• No football on Sunday (or Monday or Thursday). Instead I watch re-runs of Bridezillas and Criminal Minds. 

I love BMG. I love the home we share together. And truly take appreciate it when he isn't home. I'm an introvert and I need alone time to keep myself centered and whole.

When BMG is away on business, I only have to clean up after myself. The bed is made EXACTLY the way I like it. I don't have to compromise on what I cook for dinner. I have no excuses to not take 100% responsibility for myself (e.g. "I can't go to the gym after work; I need to get home to make BMG dinner"). I watch whatever I want on television, and sleep so much better absent my true love's snoring. I love finding ways to maximize my alone time so I can be a better Clownface when BMG gets home.

What makes CES really perfect is that it happens at the start of the new year, so those reluctant resolutions I have yet to give voice to have the opportunity to spill out. What is on deck for 2014? More vegetarian and whole foods eating, more stretching and meditation, less TV, continued efforts to have a more regular sleep schedule.

Boy do I love CES.

Elf on the Shelf: Savvy Auntie Edition

My sister tells her kids, ages 8 and 6, that the family's semi-feral cat would eat the "Elf on the Shelf." Their cat is a renowned hunter, so the kids believe this is the reason why there is no elf wreaking havoc at their suburban Baltimore home, tattling on the kids to Santa and the elves.

But this does not mean they are off the hook when it comes to good behavior in the weeks leading up the Christmas.

My sister does not need a successful commercial enterprise, masquerading as a Christmas tradition (in spite of being fewer than ten years old), to keep her kids in line during the holidays.

It used to be, before the age of the Internet and cell phones, merely humming a few bars of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" was enough to keep Christian children (and their non-secular counterparts) on their best behavior throughout the month of December. When I was a kid we KNEW that he knew if we'd been bad or good, so we had better be good, for goodness sake.

I think children are a little savvier than we were back in the 1970s. And my youngest sister KNOWS her kids are savvy consumers of parental legend.

So every year, right after Thanksgiving, she changes my contact name and photo in her cell phone from "Auntie Clownface" to "Santa Claus."

And then I start getting random text messages and cell phone calls, from my sister, ostensibly to Santa, asking for verification that I am in fact real, that I did in fact shake her son's hand at the local tree lighting ceremony, or I did receive her daughter's light mailed just a week ago. They always start with a "Hi Santa" greeting, so I know it is time to turn on the "ho ho ho." So I glibly reply, savvy auntie that I am, with a recapitulation of her message, affirming that the alleged incident (e.g. shaking Santa's hand at the local tree lighting, or an incident of mischievous behavior at school) did in fact occur, followed by a reminder to the kids to be good because I'm watching them carefully from the North Pole.

I love being able to do this for my sister because she lives 400 miles away, and I rarely have the opportunity to be hands-on in my support of her parenting. I love that this happens effortlessly. One day, maybe three years ago, I randomly received a text addressed to Santa and just picked it up and ran with it. We never rehearse, I never know when a message is coming, and I haven't dropped the ball on her yet.  And nearly 35 years after an early end to my belief in the physical manifestation of Santa, I am still delighted by my child's eye view of Santa and the magic that happens at the North Pole.

Are you a savvy aunts or uncle who celebrates Christmas? I invite you to share this post with the parents of the little ones in your life, and invite them to play along. It is a great way to get the effect of elf on the shelf, without kowtowing to the relentless pressure of developing new, hijinks-fillled tableaus to showcase the elf's worst behavior, and it is a wonderful way for you to be involved in your siblings' Christmas traditions beyond gift giving.

Good-bye friend?

"I expect I only have 40 more good years on this planet. While I am grateful for your friendship over the years, at this stage in my life I realize that the time we spend together saps my very life energy. There are so many people and activities that DO feed my soul, that help me feel alive, and inspire me to be my best - every minute I spend with you is a minute I'm not feeding my soul. This makes me feel resentful that you don't seem to get that the lack of comments on your Facebook wall, the plans repeatedly made and then broken, the text messages not returned - these all mean this friendship needs to lay fallow for a while.  The fact that you don't get my efforts at gently letting you go - THAT also incenses me. And because you don't get the gentle signs, I need to be overt. I'm sorry but we're done."

Is it socially acceptable to say this? I don't think so.

I re-read this fantasy exhortation, and realize I am not a good friend. And I think I am not able to be a good friend to my friend because I'm not being a good friend to myself. I need to have a deeper reservoir of love to share with my friends. And to cultivate that deeper reservoir I need to be taking better care of my emotional needs. I need quiet, stillness, exercise, sufficient sleep, and a sense of work/life balance. 

And when I have filled my friendship reservoir, I know I want to spend my energy stores on the people who make my heart go pitter pat - my sisters, brother, nieces and nephews, my husband, my mother, and the handful of nearest and dearest with whom I connect most deeply not through Facebook, but through coffee, cocktails and conversation. 

Which leaves me with this question: How does one tell a friend one is no longer interested in being friends? 

Three of my friends quite literally exhaust me. I've read enough issues of Oprah's eponymous magazine to know I need to gently pull back. (And yes I've tried to reframe my attitude about the time I spend with these friends, tried enjoying their company in larger groups where their intensity might be diffused, and tried gently rebuffing their calls.) In spite of my best efforts, these friends persist in reaching out; one even became belligerent when I was non-responsive. 

Sigh. 

I need help. How would you handle this? 

I am the 1%

I finished my 2013 charitable giving while sitting in horrid traffic today. I have an anemic commitment to give away 1% of my net pay each year. I'm not solving the world's problems with my 1%, but I am creating a routine of giving that makes me feel good about myself, and is likely to have more impact as my earning potential grows.

This year, the squeeze on my checkbook that resulted from both hosting a wedding and finishing major house renovations within two months made, "I just don't have anything extra to give away this year" such a tempting position to take. I was desperate to say this.

But as the wedding and the house renovations put a squeeze on me, they also continue to remind me of the privilege I enjoy in the world.  I believe that generosity shouldn't be defined by giving away what's extra. Generosity, in my opinion, is about giving away something you would like for yourself, sacrifice for the greater good.

(Think about it - when you clean out your closets to make way for new clothes, it is NICE to give the stuff you no longer want to your favorite clothing give-away program, but is it generous? I'd say no. It is nice and convenient. But you are giving away what is, to you, trash.)

So, give I did. While sitting in two hours of Boston morning traffic.

Here's where my money went:

The bulk of my giving - 37.7% - went to local organizations that help children and families in crisis. I'm not making a dent in the long term causes of poverty. But, because my empathy is nearly disabling, I know I want to use my time and treasure, right now, to alleviate suffering. The charities I give to include Cradles to Crayons, the Hingham Interfaith Food Pantry and Catholic Charities in Central NY (where my mom works as a case manager for families moving out of homelessness.)

The next largest chunk of my giving - 24.5% - went to environmental conservation - the National Parks Conservation Association is my fave, followed by the local Trustees of the Reservation. I give to the Trustees in part so I can get free admission to my favorite public lands to walk and be still.

I have a commitment to giving to charities if a friend asks - for a bike race, marathon or other cause. This year, at least 21% of my giving fell in this arena. Charity Water, the oral cancer foundation, and Raising A Reader MA are among the groups I supported from this bucket this year (and I know I missed some that BMG and I gave to from our joint account). Unless I really can't support the cause for personal reasons. For example, I'm not against the death penalty, so if you do a pray-a-thon to raise money to fight the death penalty, I won't give. I DO admire you for your commitment to a cause that makes your heart go pitter pat, but it isn't my cause.

Finally, while it doesn't touch my day-to-day life, I do give money to global disaster relief, through Doctors Without Borders. And, because it touches my life nearly daily, I give to my local library.

I know my gifts are small. And small helps. And small grows. It grows by invigorating me, and by inspiring me to do more. I'm making the time for regular blood donations, and starting to wrap my brain around carving out time to volunteer somewhere regularly - perhaps for an organization getting at the root cause of an issue that tears at my heart strings (because so much of my giving is focused on immediate problems rather than chipping away at the source of the problem).

I am the 1% and I'm proud of it.

What organizations do you support - with your time, talents or treasure? Why?

Out of town

"And there should not be a week's worth of recycling piled up on the counter when I get home."

"I agree."

"I mean, you will do the work necessary to ensure the recycling is in the appropriate place before I get home."

"What?!"

I'm trying to close some home making loopholes before leaving town for seven days of business travel.

There is nothing I hate more than coming home from any trip and having to clean my house. And I married a, well, let's just say I married a person who does not aspire to a clean house.

So I made some rules before leaving town, designed to help ensure my home is moderately tidy when I return from my trip to York, Maine and then Milwaukee, WI on Wednesday, 11/13. Here they are:
1. Dishes will be done, and not piled on the counter or in the sink. Piled in the dishwasher is acceptable, but no preferable.
2. When the trash is full, it will be emptied and the liners replaced.
3. The cat box will be scooped at least twice at least two days apart (meaning it can't be scooped once and then scooped an hour later).
4. Recycling will not be piled on the counter.

On the latter point, my beloved BMG said, "So the lesson here is throw the recycling out and then take out the trash."

To which I replied, "I don't care how you do it, I just don't want to deal with your mess when I get home."

This COULD be the theme of our marriage.