Boundaries, not balance

I heard crisis management consultant Judy Smith, the inspiration for the character Olivia Pope on ABC's Scandal, speak at the Massachusetts Conference for Women.

What I thought was going to be a presentation on the principles of crisis management, was in fact a series of object lessons on setting priorities in one's life.

Judy Smith, who like me is a graduate of both American University and Boston University, provocatively said, "I don't believe in 'work-life balance.' No one is balancing anything, its just one day at a time. I DO believe in boundaries. Because when one has clear boundaries, one can stay focused on what is important while keeping distractions out."

Interestingly, back in October, I read a Huffington Post article about Warren Buffet's rules for productivity that promoted a similar philosophy.

Both Smith and Buffet suggest that, in order to be balanced or productive, one needs to have a list of the top five priorities in one's life. Anything not on that list shouldn't get one's attention. Period.

Whoa!

I recently switched jobs, away from my career of choice, in order to have more balance. (I also left my job because my manager was cuckoo banana crackers, but that's another story for another time.)

But maybe part of my balance problem is that I have too many things I'm trying to do. I'm too unfocused in my effort to my the modern "superwoman."

Maybe what I need are boundaries, not balance.

So, here are my top five priorities, to keep my focused on living a happy, healthy, productive life.

Clownface's Top Five Priorities for Living a Fulfilled Life

• Being the best sister, aunt, daughter I can be
• Continuously trying to maximize my ability to give AND receive love from my husband
• Creating, enjoying and sharing life's adventures
• Understanding and removing obstacles for people - starting with myself - to realize their true potential 
• Cultivating peace and beauty

I've done this exercise before, when I was exploring leaving my non-profit career in early 2013. The list has changed only slightly since then. And it remains philosophical enough that I can create fluid but firm boundaries. Or balance. Or whatever you want to call the pursuit of a fulfilling life.

I'll keep you posted on my success. Being balanced, maintaining boundaries, pursuing a fulfilling life, whatever.

A pal recently sent me a chain letter, inviting me to share words of inspiration with her and a friend.

"Send a quote? I'm full of quotes!" I thought, so I passed it along with this message to eight friends:

My pal Angie invited me to play Buddhist chain letter. Who can't use a little more inspiration in their lives? (And luckily, you won't die if you don't play.)

Here's how it works.

I'm participating in a collective, constructive, and hopefully uplifting exchange. It's a one-time thing and I hope you will participate. We have picked people we think would be faithful, and make it fun. Please send an encouraging quote or verse to the person whose name is in position 1 below (even if you don't know him or her). It should be a favorite text verse/motivational poem/prayer/meditation that has lifted you when you were experiencing challenging times. Don't agonize over it--it is one you reach for when you need it or the one that you always turn to.

(Minimally, I invite you send some inspiring love to Angie.)

Imagine two names and email addresses here

After you've sent the short poem/verse/meditation/quote/etc. to the person in position 1, and only that person, copy this letter into a new email, move my name to position 1. and put your name in position 2. Only my name and your name should show when you email. Send to 20 friends using BCC. (I can't think of 20 people to send this to! Pick as many as you think is appropriate.) If you cannot do this in five days, let us know so it will be fair to those participating. It's fun to see where they come from. Seldom does anyone drop out because we all need new ideas and inspiration. The turnaround is fast, as there are only two names on the list, and you only have to do it once.

Enjoy!

I share with you what I received in return. 

1.  You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.  Desiderata

2.  Art & Fear:Observations on the Perils (and Rewards) of Artmaking by David Bayles and Ted Orland
ON PERFECTION:

The ceramics teacher announced on opening day that he was dividing the class into two groups. All those on the left side of the studio, he said, would be graded solely on the quantity of work they produced, all those on the right solely on its quality. His procedure was simple: on the final day of class he would bring in his bathroom scales and weigh the work of the "quantity" group: fifty pound of pots rated an "A", forty pounds a "B", and so on. Those being graded on "quality", however, needed to produce only one pot - albeit a perfect one - to get an "A". Well, came grading time and a curious fact emerged: the works of highest quality were all produced by the group being graded for quantity. It seems that while the "quantity" group was busily churning out piles of work - and learning from their mistakes - the "quality" group had sat theorizing about perfection, and in the end had little more to show for their efforts than grandiose theories and a pile of dead clay.

3. THE WILD ROSE” – BY WENDELL BERRY

Sometimes, hidden from me in daily custom and in ritual
I live by you unaware, as if by the beating of my heart.
Suddenly you flare again in my sight
A wild rose at the edge of the thicket where yesterday there was only shade
And I am blessed and choose again,

That which I chose before.

4. See everything, overlook a great deal, correct a little.
-Anonymous

5. "Dear Crazy, Crying Heart" by Barbara Pescan

Oh, my hear

dear foolish on,
sweet crazy keening heart---

Get ready -- hush ---

let the winds sweep clean the hidden corners of your lies
Stop crying and wrap your arms

around that child in htere
the one in the crash helmet

the one with the broken leg
the baby in the dark

the one with the broken heart
the baby knowing its hand for the first time
the child full of milk and lullabies
the child with not food in its belly

It is all God

It is all God

the food         the baby     the hunger
the starfish hand with translucent fingertips
the wrinkles of your face

the memories of seventy years
and knowing your wholeness at another's touch
the brokenness
the cry at the bottom of the mine

the song from the top of the tree

All God, All God

all pouring itself out 

for you, heart

dear crazy crying heart

hush

listen to your song.        Ah.      Amen.

6. "I am only one, but I am one. I can't do everything, but I can do something. The something I ought to do, I can do. And by the grace of God, I will." ~Edward Everett Hale, Unitarian minister

7. Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart. 

--Anonymous

8. Some lines that I love, from Dylan Thomas's Fern Hill (I hope he'll forgive me for chopping his poem down to a few lines):



Now as I was young and easy under the apple boughs
About the lilting house and happy as the grass was green,
The night above the dingle starry,
Time let me hail and climb
Golden in the heydays of his eyes,



Oh as I was young and easy in the mercy of his means,
Time held me green and dying
Though I sang in my chains like the sea. 

Golden Girl

I'm the golden girl at work right now.

It is both flattering AND extremely uncomfortable.

The flattering needs no explanation. The extremely uncomfortable? I said to my boss this week, "When you are the top, the only way to move is down. I'm not looking to move down right now."

I'm not looking to move down. But given my performance of late, everyone is asking me, "What DO you want to do here?"

I used to want a career. And the attendant power and authority that came with being an Executive Director or CEO. My career ambition in high school? A very modest "to be the first female president of the United States." (Sorry Hillary, but it isn't yet your time.) In fact, I remain $19,000 in student loan debt (down from a high of $90,000, thank you very much) as a result of my pursuit of not one, but a greedy TWO graduate degrees.

But now, when asked this question, I simply respond, "I want to make a positive contribution, and earn  enough money to have a life worth living." I want to travel worry-free, I want to share exciting experiences with my loved ones experiences, I want to have a beautiful home.

So, this golden girl is taking a step back, evaluating her options, and choosing the path that will help her live a robust life without the hassle of a career.

I am the 1%

I finished my 2013 charitable giving while sitting in horrid traffic today. I have an anemic commitment to give away 1% of my net pay each year. I'm not solving the world's problems with my 1%, but I am creating a routine of giving that makes me feel good about myself, and is likely to have more impact as my earning potential grows.

This year, the squeeze on my checkbook that resulted from both hosting a wedding and finishing major house renovations within two months made, "I just don't have anything extra to give away this year" such a tempting position to take. I was desperate to say this.

But as the wedding and the house renovations put a squeeze on me, they also continue to remind me of the privilege I enjoy in the world.  I believe that generosity shouldn't be defined by giving away what's extra. Generosity, in my opinion, is about giving away something you would like for yourself, sacrifice for the greater good.

(Think about it - when you clean out your closets to make way for new clothes, it is NICE to give the stuff you no longer want to your favorite clothing give-away program, but is it generous? I'd say no. It is nice and convenient. But you are giving away what is, to you, trash.)

So, give I did. While sitting in two hours of Boston morning traffic.

Here's where my money went:

The bulk of my giving - 37.7% - went to local organizations that help children and families in crisis. I'm not making a dent in the long term causes of poverty. But, because my empathy is nearly disabling, I know I want to use my time and treasure, right now, to alleviate suffering. The charities I give to include Cradles to Crayons, the Hingham Interfaith Food Pantry and Catholic Charities in Central NY (where my mom works as a case manager for families moving out of homelessness.)

The next largest chunk of my giving - 24.5% - went to environmental conservation - the National Parks Conservation Association is my fave, followed by the local Trustees of the Reservation. I give to the Trustees in part so I can get free admission to my favorite public lands to walk and be still.

I have a commitment to giving to charities if a friend asks - for a bike race, marathon or other cause. This year, at least 21% of my giving fell in this arena. Charity Water, the oral cancer foundation, and Raising A Reader MA are among the groups I supported from this bucket this year (and I know I missed some that BMG and I gave to from our joint account). Unless I really can't support the cause for personal reasons. For example, I'm not against the death penalty, so if you do a pray-a-thon to raise money to fight the death penalty, I won't give. I DO admire you for your commitment to a cause that makes your heart go pitter pat, but it isn't my cause.

Finally, while it doesn't touch my day-to-day life, I do give money to global disaster relief, through Doctors Without Borders. And, because it touches my life nearly daily, I give to my local library.

I know my gifts are small. And small helps. And small grows. It grows by invigorating me, and by inspiring me to do more. I'm making the time for regular blood donations, and starting to wrap my brain around carving out time to volunteer somewhere regularly - perhaps for an organization getting at the root cause of an issue that tears at my heart strings (because so much of my giving is focused on immediate problems rather than chipping away at the source of the problem).

I am the 1% and I'm proud of it.

What organizations do you support - with your time, talents or treasure? Why?

Work/Life Balance or Work/Life Integration?

My boss and I have been a little at odds lately. This is predicated, in part, on the zaniness in my life - planning a wedding, renovating a house, living temporarily in someone else's house, and managing some family concerns both here and 325 miles away. I am not operating at my best as an employee at this moment.

The overwhelming nature of my life does not, however, impact my position on the conflict with my boss. In a recent discussion, long before the kerfuffle created by the "no work from home" edicts at Yahoo, she posited that the oft cited desire for "work/life balance" was ridiculous. Her philosophy is that work and life should be integrated. Her point being that working should not be thought of as separate from living - that work IS living.

In an ideal world, yes. If I were an actor or a painter or an author - maybe even an architect, politician, professional athlete or a spiritual leader I could imagine my work being integrated with my life. Because living is the source of inspiration is drawn for creative, spiritual and political pursuits. Conversely, in these and similar professions, working inspires life choices. Salvador Dali's home was an extension of his art, and American politicians' life choices intensely impact their legitimacy as leaders.

Certainly my core values influence my life and my work choices. And obviously the first world chaos in my personal life is impacting my success at work. I generally feel proud of my work accomplishments, and am invested in having meaningful work.

But increasingly I find myself believing that I work to live, rather than living to work. Work/life balance is the name of the game, and it means my work has to pay enough AND not tax me so much so that I have money and time to pursue the other activities that make my heart go pitter pat.

This means work, for me, at this moment in time, is a means to an end. It offers me a paycheck that I then use to pursue my goals and dreams - whether that is getting married, building a house, spending time with family, enjoying beautiful food, traveling.

If I were to pursue "work/life integration," I would be working in a job that affords me opportunities to pursue the activities that make my heart go pitter pat - while both energizing my soul and paying me enough. My work with the 5 book is, I hope, taking me in this direction. Until them, I'm firmly in the "work/life balance" camp.

Where are you? Do you adhere to the work/life balance OR the work/life integration camp? Or something else? If you were to have work/life integration, what would it look life to you?

Island of Enlightenment

Gal Pal Nancy alerted me to an article posted in Jezebel on January 7, 2013, Seven Extremely Confusing Steps to the Life you Want by Tracy Moore.

The article is a good-natured jab at a piece written by Oprah's personal coach/guru, Martha Beck called "Seven Steps to Living the Life You Want," Which is, as Tracy Moore points out, maybe the dumbest self-help article ever written.

Now I'm a big fan of life maps and visioning exercises. Give me old magazines, scissors and a glue stick and I can spend HOURS making a collage of my dream life. Seriously, I've paid for weekend retreats to engage in this type of self-indulgent and dreamy shenanigans.

So, Martha Beck, I get it. My dream life is an island located in a vast sea that I'm traveling. OK, I'll play along.

Until Step Four:"Create your Islands of Enlightenment." This appears to be code for "Identify all the bad stuff you did that you wish you didn't, pretend each one is an island, make a collage representing each of the bad habits (or thoughts or relationships) as a separate island in your life sea, and then, add monsters to the collage, beating up and otherwise destroying the bad habits/thoughts/relationships."  And when you are done, "...now you can hoist anchor and set sail."

Wha? That's the stoopidest thing I've ever heard! All I need to do is make a collage (and I DO love collage) of collage monsters destroying my collage bad habits, and, voila! problem solved?  I have a graduate degree in Social Work, but I never heard of a class called, "Managing bulimia through scrapbook art," or "When the restraining order doesn't work: Collage as domestic violence prevention." Not to mention, the politically correct bullshit of calling ending unproductive behaviors/thoughts/relationships "enlightenment." What is it about having metaphorical monsters metaphorically attack my real life unhealthy choices that constitutes "enlightenment"?
 
So I couldn't even finish Martha Beck's original column in my beloved Oprah magazine. Not sure how satirist Tracy Moore got through it all, but she did. And she comes to the same conclusion I did after merely starting Beck's column online. Which is this. I thought life was about the journey, not the destination? So why am I spending all of this time trying to get to a specific destination, in this case, my dream life island?

Oh Martha, you've failed me. And Tracy Moore, you rock.

As I get back to The 5 Book: Where do you want to be in five years, I'll remember to take it all with a grain of salt.

(And thanks to gal pal Nancy for sharing the Jezebel article with me via Facebook.)

Goals and Dreams

The 5 Book posits that a goal is nothing more than a dream put to paper.

The strategic planner in me says this is not QUITE true. I'd suggest that a dream put to paper is merely a dream, an idea, an imagining. What makes it a goal is an articulation of how you might know your dream has come true,  a refinement of the dream, which might be the start of a plan.

I can say my dream is to travel to Africa. I could cop out and say I will know it is true when I travel to Africa, but what lies beneath that statement is actually a desire to hike Mount Kilimanjaro and go on safari. And then, once that goal is articulated that specifically I can start to build a plan to make the dream come true.

I also appreciate that The 5 Book is taking me on a journey, which needs to start with my dreams.

So here goes. What are my dreams?

• To hike Mount Kilimanjaro
• To go on safari
• White water raft down the Grand Canyon
• Grow a giant pumpkin
• Be perceived as an athlete
• Be married
• Be known or admired for my flower garden
• Live in NYC or Paris
• Travel travel travel
• Have work that is satisfying but does not suck the life blood out of me
• Be the best aunt I can be.

At least, these are the dreams I have this morning. (Which are pretty consistent with the dreams I've articulated for a majority of my adult life.)

What is interesting here is that I started this process because of a desire to find the "right work." What I see in this list is a desire to have the right work so I can realize my dreams. I am hoping The 5 Book helps me explore this a little more.

What are your dreams? Be bold, be specific, be honest. I'm curious to hear them.

My personal mission statement

"Your life is worth a noble motive" says Dan Zadra in the book 5: Where will you be in five years?

I'm blogging about my experience completing the action steps in Zadra's book. You can follow the discussion by searching for all posts labeled "5" here on the Collected Works of Clownface.

The next worksheet in the book invites me to write a personal mission statement. This is a statement of the direction in which my heart tells me to live my life. In the margins of the worksheet, Pop astrologer Rob Brezsny is quoted as saying,

"(Writing your mission statement) may be the turning point your grandchildren will tell stories about years from now: the time you leap (sic) over the abyss...and being your life in earnest. On the other hand, this moment of truth may end up being nothing more than a brief awakening when you glimpse what's possible...but then you tell yourself, "Nah, that's waaaay too far to jump." In that case, your grandchildren will have to be content talking about what delicious cookies you used to bake, or what your favorite sports team was. It all depends on how brave you'll be."

This worksheet intimidates me a little bit. Why? What's the risk in merely writing down a mission statement? Well the biggest risk is being seen as a failure. And in in my case the biggest indicator of being a failure is inaction, of living a life without trying.  What is that other trite inspirational quote? If you aim at nothing you'll always hit it? So if my life has no aim, then I'll never hit anything. (And if the aim of my life is to bake the best damn cookies in the world, then so be it. Suck it Rob Brezsny.)

So...at the risk of being seen a failure, here is my personal mission statement:

My mission in life is to help people (starting with myself) realize their true potential by removing obstacles and maximizing their conditions for success.

Ok. Your turn now. What is YOUR personal mission statement? I'm curious to hear it.

What are your top values in life?

The first exercise in the 5 book is intended to help me figure out what my top five values are in life. I did this sort of Rorschach test-style, going with my gut response rather than over thinking my instinct.

The questions are in italics. My responses are not.

Here goes!

What are the three things I like most (and least) about myself? (I cheated and did four.)
Most: work ethic, compassion, laughter, organization/efficiency
Least: anxiety/nail biting, anger/bitterness/jealousy, uncertainty, impatience

Who is the happiest person I know?
Children
Steve Garfield, Beth Ann Schacht, Katie Cutler, Robbie Cutler

Who are the two people I like and respect the most, and why?
Amy Cooper Ayles - she's kind, forgiving, forthright, honest about who she is, what she wants, what she does (and doesn't) need in her life
Jeff Cutler - all of the above plus happy-go-lucky - with  real joie de vivre

Who am I?
I am fat, kind, exceptionally smart, an introvert, straightforward (but not comfortable with this), and a (mostly) good communicator. I get things done. And I get them done well (or at least good enough). I reluctantly admit I have charisma, lack self-control, and struggle at times to maintain a respectful filter. I can speak hard truths when the time and situation is right. I am loyal to my small and tight circle of family and friends with whom I like to eat, drink, and be merry.

(GAH! Who am I was an impossible question to answer off the cuff. I edited this a little, but took no more than 15 minutes to write it down.


My top five values are:
1. Honesty
2. Hard work/challenges
3. Loving kindness
4. Laughter/play
5. Certainty/confidence
(The subheading here reads, "Identifying your top five lifetime values is a shortcut to identifying your top goals in life." I struggled a little with this. I wanted my values to have meaning, to be actionable, not just to be a series of words that sound righteous or lofty. So I looked up "what is a value?" The phrase "guiding principle" was most useful to me.)

OK. So this is the first set of exercises in the 5 book. Your turn!

Where will you be 5 years from today?

"5: Where will you be five years
from today?" by Dan Zadra.

For Christmas, I bought my brother-in-law the book "5: Where will you be five years from today," a pithy workbook-style self-help book intended to help people get their dreams unstuck so they can live them.

On New Year's Day I bought myself a copy.

And today I started working in it.

The book lists seven people who transformed their lives in under five years - from Christopher Columbus who discovered the "New World," to Jeff Bezos who went from living in a 500 square foot apartment to having a net worth of more than $10 billion.

On this page there is a quote: "Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Louis Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein." -- H. Jackson Brown Jr.

Ok. I'm in. I'm eager to learn what accomplishments can I achieve in five years.

I'll share the exercises in the book here at the Collected Works of Clownface. The will be tagged "5" if you want to read in chunks. I invite you to complete them as well, privately or using the comments section. Why? Because I'm eager to know what accomplishments YOU can achieve in five years.

Let's go!