Who Lights Up My Life?

I'm an ambivert, with strong introvert tendencies.

So, when The 52 Lists Project asks me, "Who are the people who brighten your day?" my immediate response is "No one." 

Hmmm. Let me re-position the question for an introvert. How about this: "When I want joy or comfort from another person, to whom do I turn?"

Okay, THAT'S a question I can answer. 

Always and forever, there are two people on my list:  

1. My husband, BMG

2. My mother

Neither of these people are *always* able to provide me with the comfort and joy I'm wishing for, but they always try. And even when they don't get it right, I'm left with the feeling that they love me. (And a feeling that I need to be better at both knowing and articulating my needs.)

There are also three more people, or groups of people, who I frequently find myself wanting to connect with on the rare occasion I want to share my stories of aggravation or triumph. They are: 

3. My three sisters 

4. My gal pal, Dillard57

5. My gal pal, @lardito

Typically, when I want to reach out to these people, it is because something big has happened that I need some sort of response to, either to validate my experience or to help me sort out a problem. But, I've had to learn that I can't always reach these loved ones because they have busy lives, balancing work, children, spouses, community.

So maybe I'll send a text, or a tweet, and hope for a response.

And, because I have great coping skills, when that doesn't work, I tend to turn to Twitter. There I might share what I originally wanted to say to a loved one. Or I might do a search to find people, tweets or news stories with a similar theme to my own news in an effort to find that validation I seek.

I'm curious, when you need to connect with another person, to whom do you turn to light up your life? Who gives you hope? 

A pal recently sent me a chain letter, inviting me to share words of inspiration with her and a friend.

"Send a quote? I'm full of quotes!" I thought, so I passed it along with this message to eight friends:

My pal Angie invited me to play Buddhist chain letter. Who can't use a little more inspiration in their lives? (And luckily, you won't die if you don't play.)

Here's how it works.

I'm participating in a collective, constructive, and hopefully uplifting exchange. It's a one-time thing and I hope you will participate. We have picked people we think would be faithful, and make it fun. Please send an encouraging quote or verse to the person whose name is in position 1 below (even if you don't know him or her). It should be a favorite text verse/motivational poem/prayer/meditation that has lifted you when you were experiencing challenging times. Don't agonize over it--it is one you reach for when you need it or the one that you always turn to.

(Minimally, I invite you send some inspiring love to Angie.)

Imagine two names and email addresses here

After you've sent the short poem/verse/meditation/quote/etc. to the person in position 1, and only that person, copy this letter into a new email, move my name to position 1. and put your name in position 2. Only my name and your name should show when you email. Send to 20 friends using BCC. (I can't think of 20 people to send this to! Pick as many as you think is appropriate.) If you cannot do this in five days, let us know so it will be fair to those participating. It's fun to see where they come from. Seldom does anyone drop out because we all need new ideas and inspiration. The turnaround is fast, as there are only two names on the list, and you only have to do it once.

Enjoy!

I share with you what I received in return. 

1.  You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.  Desiderata

2.  Art & Fear:Observations on the Perils (and Rewards) of Artmaking by David Bayles and Ted Orland
ON PERFECTION:

The ceramics teacher announced on opening day that he was dividing the class into two groups. All those on the left side of the studio, he said, would be graded solely on the quantity of work they produced, all those on the right solely on its quality. His procedure was simple: on the final day of class he would bring in his bathroom scales and weigh the work of the "quantity" group: fifty pound of pots rated an "A", forty pounds a "B", and so on. Those being graded on "quality", however, needed to produce only one pot - albeit a perfect one - to get an "A". Well, came grading time and a curious fact emerged: the works of highest quality were all produced by the group being graded for quantity. It seems that while the "quantity" group was busily churning out piles of work - and learning from their mistakes - the "quality" group had sat theorizing about perfection, and in the end had little more to show for their efforts than grandiose theories and a pile of dead clay.

3. THE WILD ROSE” – BY WENDELL BERRY

Sometimes, hidden from me in daily custom and in ritual
I live by you unaware, as if by the beating of my heart.
Suddenly you flare again in my sight
A wild rose at the edge of the thicket where yesterday there was only shade
And I am blessed and choose again,

That which I chose before.

4. See everything, overlook a great deal, correct a little.
-Anonymous

5. "Dear Crazy, Crying Heart" by Barbara Pescan

Oh, my hear

dear foolish on,
sweet crazy keening heart---

Get ready -- hush ---

let the winds sweep clean the hidden corners of your lies
Stop crying and wrap your arms

around that child in htere
the one in the crash helmet

the one with the broken leg
the baby in the dark

the one with the broken heart
the baby knowing its hand for the first time
the child full of milk and lullabies
the child with not food in its belly

It is all God

It is all God

the food         the baby     the hunger
the starfish hand with translucent fingertips
the wrinkles of your face

the memories of seventy years
and knowing your wholeness at another's touch
the brokenness
the cry at the bottom of the mine

the song from the top of the tree

All God, All God

all pouring itself out 

for you, heart

dear crazy crying heart

hush

listen to your song.        Ah.      Amen.

6. "I am only one, but I am one. I can't do everything, but I can do something. The something I ought to do, I can do. And by the grace of God, I will." ~Edward Everett Hale, Unitarian minister

7. Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart. 

--Anonymous

8. Some lines that I love, from Dylan Thomas's Fern Hill (I hope he'll forgive me for chopping his poem down to a few lines):



Now as I was young and easy under the apple boughs
About the lilting house and happy as the grass was green,
The night above the dingle starry,
Time let me hail and climb
Golden in the heydays of his eyes,



Oh as I was young and easy in the mercy of his means,
Time held me green and dying
Though I sang in my chains like the sea. 

Congratulations are in order

Shout outs to the following people for achieving important milestones for those of us human types living in modern Western civilization. In no particular order:
*Coop and Rob on their engagement
*Heather and David on their close to completion pregnancy
*Ben and kloalljidskatiespooaslma on their engagement
*Sitboaf for reasons I'm not supposed to know ANYTHING about.
I'm looking forward to sharing shout outs to those of you trying to get pregnant, trying to sell your homes, hoping to win a free scooter, and working towards new careers.

What can happen in seven days?

• My columbine can bloom.
• One cucumber seedling can pop her head out of the loamy soil.
• A sweetheart can purchase tickets to Europe after diligently searching for the best price.
• Meaningful connections can be made with important women in one's life.

Oh! If I were to be a little less myopic and concentrate on the world?

• A major death can occur in a tightly knit community of 77,000.
• Summer weather can arrive.
• Wars can continue to be fought. And argued about.
• Old friends can have reunions with their hometowns.
• Neighbors can become engaged and make plans to move.

One of the members of my girls' group was reflecting that she is sometimes afraid she is going to wake up and realize years of her life are gone. It is nice to take a moment to just think about the little things that have happened, as well as the big things that may be impacting my life. As I write and think I remember the Susan B. Anthony quote that sits in the upper right box of the Collected Works of Clownface. These are the little moments that make up a life.

Happy and TV-Free

BMG and I are sitting side-by-side on the futon, with our respective laptops in our, well, laps. Playing web-boggle. Well, he is. I've quit to blog a little. It is nice to be chilling out a home, playing games and not watching television. I feel happy.

I went to Girls' Group tonight. I bicycled there and it felt so nice. Biking home in the cool, dark night I felt so at peace. If I had not been concerned about biking in the city without a headlamp, I would have kept going. I love to bike, it makes me feel strong, and I feel good about myself when I'm done. Why don't I do this more? (Stupid weather. I don't feel so great about myself when I've been biking in rain and I don't like being cold on my bike.) Okay - pledge to self - ride bike when weather is nice nice nice!

With a little help from the Girls, I decided to head to Europe for two weeks this summer. BMG and I were already planning to go for a short while. But, I was afraid of intruding on his "Ex-Pat Writing in Europe" routine, so I was going to make it a short trip. But, I realized that I can make it a long trip - and just take some time for myself - to bike, explore, and simply be. I feel glad to have made this decision, and am excited at the prospect of heading onto a train and going someplace I've never been before. Hooray! Hooray!

Redemption

My Girls' Group meets tomorrow night. Five of us (I'm mentally counting, one, two three...yeah five of us) meet twice a month to discuss issues of spiritual reflection. We generally take time to check in with one another - on the ordinary aspects of our lives, as well as our connection with our own spirituality. And, those of us who aren't actively trying to get pregnant drink too much wine, and we all eat too many cookies. We're all affiliated with the Unitarian Universalist church, and it seems just perfect that our body and blood of Christ is cheap Trader Joe's red table wine and Pepperidge Farms cookies.

On the occasion of Fat Tuesday, BMG and I were reflecting on the topic of Lent. What is the purpose of giving up a vice for 40 days and 40 nights? According to a link from the Catholic Education Resource Center, provided by Bowl of Cheese.com, the purpose of deprivation is to give oneself time to reflect on the liturgy of the church and to devote more time to prayer.

Hmmmm.

So giving up smoking for 40 days is like fasting for Hindus? Only, Catholics and Protestants can't bring themselves to actually give up food, so they give up buying new shoes for a month or drinking top shelf whiskey. How close to god does that bring you? When I was a child, I thought Lent was like an extra shot at a New Year's Resolution - the point was to see if you could actually give something up that you thought was important to you.

Ahhh. Now this is interesting.

Perhaps one of the more secular interpretations of Lent is that it provides the practitioner with the opportunity practice letting go of things that are important to me. Like Jesus (who they know they are about to lose to death). But the Easter story is one of faith and redemption. In fact, the message is that one is NOT supposed to let go. Those who let go of their belief in Jesus as "the messiah" were considered the traitors. I heard a piece on NPR tonight by a Jesuit priest who was reminding listeners that Easter is at its heart a celebration - of joy, of miracles, of faith. Frederica Matthewes-Green writes "(For the early church), repentance was the wellspring of joy and healing. As Jesus taught, the one who knows she has been forgiven much knows she is loved much, and can pour out love in return."

So I ask again, what is this tradition of giving things up for 40 days before Easter all about? Do we have to give up things we care about (or merely enjoy) in order to come to a place of appreciating them? Do we have to punish ourselves before we can celebrate? How does deprivation lead to forgiveness? Are we supposed to acknowledge and be reminded of our sins for 40 days in order to best appreciation the forgiveness afforded by god when he "takes his only begotten son" yada yada?

I think the Jews do this a little better, with their observation of Yom Kippur. You spend 24-hours fasting, reflecting on all the ways you screwed up during the year, asking for forgiveness, and promising to try and do better. And, you do it in the community of other congregants at your synagogue - so you are all acknowledging your fallibility together. Judaism also calls for the forgiveness of others during this period, which includes to resolution (or dissolution) of all feuds. Some people also choose to partake of a ceremonious casting of their sins into the water, called tashlikh. I love this ceremony, because of the symbolism of cleaning the slate. I head to a body of water with old bread or crackers. I find a spot with nice, clear access, and crouch down. As I toss the bread into the water, I name it. "Anger at my mother," "Irritation with stupid people driving their cars," "Getting a double feature for free at the movies." Then, I watch each piece of bread drift away, or become loaded down with water and sinking, or being snatched up by a hungry duck or sea gull. It is satisfying.

I still don't quite get Lent - or Easter for that matter. What I do know is that I'm going to make these questions the centerpiece of the Girls' Group discussion tomorrow night, when I ask the question, "Even if you aren't a believer in the resurrection or Jesus as messiah, what spiritual good - personal good - comes from cleansing oneself of one's vices? For an individual, a family, or a community?"