The Closer

BMG sarcastically refers to me as "The Closer" because I never close packaging, doors, or drawers. Sitting here, (I'm aware there is a kitchen cupboard open, ready for me to reach in and grab the ancient grains/oatmeal package for my breakfast.)

This moniker is ironic because my number one motivation is getting things done, closing out projects. Nothing is more satisfying to me than crossing something off the list. And I won't let myself cross something off the list unless it is done completely. If I want the pleasure of knowing that a task is in process, even if it isn't quite done, I'll circle it on my list. This gives me the thrill of knowing I'm just a little bit closer to the beloved "crossing off" task.

Being "a closer" definitely motivates me. I'm a finisher, not a starter.

Now, I'm in this uncomfortable place of wanting to start a business, and I'm having a hard time getting motivated.

This week The 52 Lists project is asking "What motivates you?" This is a question I want to explore precisely because I'm having a hard time finding my mojo on this project of creating the task list for starting my business.

Theoretically, I know what my motivation for starting a business "should" be:
1. Professional freedom
2. Notoriety as a result of my success
3. Financial success

But, "shoulds" rarely work - at least not for me - in the long run.

So, I need to dig a little deeper and figure out what truly motivates me, so I can transform the pile of papers that sit at my elbow into a business plan.

What motivates me?
1. Knowing that I've made a positive difference for someone
2. Being kind and helpful
3. The feeling that I've done something life- or health-affirming for myself
4. My family
5. The adventure of learning, experiencing, or seeing something new
6. Accountability - following through on my promises or commitments

I'm also motivated by some fears - fear of breaking the law, fear of being hurt both physically and emotionally, fear of being homeless and alone.

Fingers crossed this list I can find something in this list to get me off my butt and into planning mode so I can start my business in 2017. And if it doesn't, I'll be looking to YOUR answer to the question "What motivates you?" to help me. So get writing.

Unity Starts With Me

As a liberal, the world feels like it is unraveling:

• On-going conflicts in the middle east
• Syrian civil war and resultant refugee concerns in Europe
• European unity in crisis as a result of Brexit
• Impeachment of the South Korean president
• Black lives matter and the many other components of the cultural wars in the United States

I acutely feel the polarization of Americans on issues like reproductive rights, gun rights and transgender rights. And this feeling extends far beyond me versus those who hold opposing viewpoints to include other liberals. At least once a week I see a comment like this, which causes me to feel guilt because I'm not doing enough:

 

On my Facebook wall yesterday, I made reference to feeling overwhelmed by the intensity of these crises. In the ensuing discussion, I was reminded that we all can't do everything for everybody.

 

Which got me to thinking about unity, particularly here in America.

 

I propose that each of us find one or two issues that light our fires, and put everything we can towards those issues. Let people know what those issues are, and what you are doing to be the change you wish to see in the world.

 

Here's the unifying part.


While we are each doing our good work, try to celebrate the good work of others, rather than denigrating those who aren't fighting side-by-side. Recognize the others as soldiers in the same "Make the World a Better Place" army, who are simply engaged in other battles that are just as important as your battles.


For me, this might look like:

1. Thanking people for their advocacy - in whatever form it takes.
2. Refraining from sharing/repeating content that derides people for not caring about the same issues I care about.
3. Positioning the asks I make of people as an option, instead of an ultimatum. Rather than saying, "Not making a donation makes you no different than the Germans who did nothing as the Holocaust was starting," I'll try this: "There are so many issues demanding our attention. If ending the refugee crisis in Europe is one of the issues that lights your fire, please consider making a donation."
4. When I need to say no, say it in a way that honors the passions of the other people. For example, instead of ignoring an ask made by a friend or acquaintance, I'll try saying something like, "I honor your commitment to ending the refugee crisis in Europe. Thank you for all the work you are doing. For my part, I'm dedicating myself to addressing the policing crisis here in America. So, I'm not going to give today."
5. When I feel overwhelmed, consciously remind myself of the value of the work I am doing, rather than feeling guilty about whatever it is you are NOT doing.

I believe that honoring my individual efforts and those of others will help me feel more unified with my sisters and brothers fighting the good, liberal fight. And by working together, we can make a greater difference than we would working alone or in our issues silos.


Will you join me in making a pledge to be a little kinder in the way you position your advocacy work?  

 

Who Lights Up My Life?

I'm an ambivert, with strong introvert tendencies.

So, when The 52 Lists Project asks me, "Who are the people who brighten your day?" my immediate response is "No one." 

Hmmm. Let me re-position the question for an introvert. How about this: "When I want joy or comfort from another person, to whom do I turn?"

Okay, THAT'S a question I can answer. 

Always and forever, there are two people on my list:  

1. My husband, BMG

2. My mother

Neither of these people are *always* able to provide me with the comfort and joy I'm wishing for, but they always try. And even when they don't get it right, I'm left with the feeling that they love me. (And a feeling that I need to be better at both knowing and articulating my needs.)

There are also three more people, or groups of people, who I frequently find myself wanting to connect with on the rare occasion I want to share my stories of aggravation or triumph. They are: 

3. My three sisters 

4. My gal pal, Dillard57

5. My gal pal, @lardito

Typically, when I want to reach out to these people, it is because something big has happened that I need some sort of response to, either to validate my experience or to help me sort out a problem. But, I've had to learn that I can't always reach these loved ones because they have busy lives, balancing work, children, spouses, community.

So maybe I'll send a text, or a tweet, and hope for a response.

And, because I have great coping skills, when that doesn't work, I tend to turn to Twitter. There I might share what I originally wanted to say to a loved one. Or I might do a search to find people, tweets or news stories with a similar theme to my own news in an effort to find that validation I seek.

I'm curious, when you need to connect with another person, to whom do you turn to light up your life? Who gives you hope? 

I Need a Little Christmas

I vividly recall the host of feelings I experienced as a child during the season of advent.

• The feeling of excitement as my siblings and I counted down the days until Christmas. 
• The feeling of hope as I carefully crafted my letter to Santa filled with my wishes for the year.
• The feeling of love as I thoughtfully chose gifts to make or buy for my family members, to help ensure they knew how much I loved them.
• The feeling of joyful community embedded in the Christmas traditions of caroling and the exchange of greeting cards. 

I love Christmas and the deep and positive memories the season conjures up for me.

As a childless adult, my celebration of the holiday is vastly different. But each of the items on my list of my favorite things about Christmas can be directly traced back to those childhood feelings:

Lights - on my home, my neighbors' homes, and in town squares
Beacons, letting Santa, or maybe the wise men, know that there are believers nearby, who are excited for the arrival of the 25th.

Making and sharing homemade Christmas treats
I give them to as many of the people who bring joy and comfort to my life. This year, there are nearly 30 people on the list, including the mailman, my pharmacist, the security guards and cleaning staff at my office, the cat sitter... The list goes on. I'll be making five different types of cookies: peanut butter blossoms, peppermint blossoms, double chocolate snowballs, cranberry orange shortbread, and eggnog whoopie pies. I'll also make Christmas muddy buddies to give to the gluten-free people in my life. Planning, baking and distributing cookie platters helps me express my gratitude for joyful community.

Admiring the display of packages artfully arranged under the Christmas tree
Every year, I try to pick a theme for my gift wrapping. I choose paper, and construct handmade tags that convey the theme. On Christmas morning, I try to intersperse the gifts I've brought in with the many others under the tree..Combined, these activities help me feel both hopeful that the gifts I've carefully selected and lovingly wrapped will delight the receiver, and excited about the packages I'll unwrap later in the day.

The results of this year's presidential election in the U.S. has left me feeling dejected. This holiday season, I need a little Christmas more than any other time I can remember. Because I need love, ope,  In 2016, more than any other time in my adult memory, I need a little Christmas. Because I need a little hope, joy, and love as I gear up for the start of 2017.

This blog post was inspired by my participation in The 52 Lists Project  in collaboration with BMG. This week, we're both making lists of our favorite parts of the holidays.

I'm curious. What are your favorite parts of whatever December holiday(s) you celebrate? What are your plans to make sure you get however much of the holiday spirit you need this year?

Regardless of your response, please know you have my wishes for a happy holiday.

Potential, Not Position (or, what makes me a leader)

Let's play a little word association. When I say the word "leader," what comes to mind?

Specific people? Like Angela Merkel, Nelson Mandela, or President Obama?
Or maybe your list is dominated by qualities? Like integrity, charisma, or decisiveness?

I've never thought of myself as a leader. My work history is marked by several lateral changes to explore new industries and develop new skill sets. As a result, I haven't climbed a traditional career ladder, and have never held a position with any significant power.

However, as a member of the 2016-2017 Women's Leadership Program offered by the Boston Chamber of Commerce, I've started to explore what makes me a leader. At a recent two-day course taught by faculty at the Simmons College School of Management, I've identified the following abilities that make me a leader, regardless of what professional position I hold:

• Understand, through focused and empathetic listening, what motivates people (and what demotivates them)
• Build and articulate a shared vision by focusing on what ties groups together
• Enable others to take action by creating frameworks for getting work done 
• Enthusiastically and authentically celebrate small victories and create a spirit of community 
• Identify points of frustration in a process, and then build and execute a plan for mitigating them

This list is built from the five-part leadership framework developed by Jim Kouzes and Barry Posner:

1. Model the way
2. Inspire a shared vision
3. Challenge the process
4. Enable others to act
5. Encourage the heart

What I appreciate about this model is that is defines power not as an outgrowth of one's position, but rather in relation to one's ability to help others realize their potential. This is in close alignment with my professional mission statement, which I developed in partnership with BMG. It reads,

"I get things done by engaging teams in collaboratively developing compelling goals and strategies, removing obstacles to their success, and achieving positive and measurable outcomes."

Understanding what makes me a leader is inspiring me to begin making some strategic decisions about my career path. As I uncover my own potential, I look forward to sharing it with you on here The Journey of Clownface.

Have you uncovered your own potential? What is it, and how did you uncover it? Share your thoughts in the comments section.

Favorite Foods

Hello! My name is Clownface and I'm a bulimic.

I think of my bulimia like many people think of alcoholism. While I've been in recovery for more than 20 years, my eating disorder will be with me for my entire life.

I actively and regularly binged from age 16 to age 21. It was only after I finished college and was living on my own that I figured out the magic of purging. I stopped purging at age 25, at the same time I stopped living by myself. I knew I couldn't keep my behaviors a secret, and because my shame about my behaviors was so great, I knew I couldn't bear being confronted about them. So I quit. Cold turkey.

Twenty-one years later, I can read my emotional triggers when I start to crave my favorite binge foods. These were:

• Anything from McDonalds or Burger King: I used to drive home from my part-time job in college, motoring through every drive-thru window along the way, eating a complete meal. In the 20 minutes it took to get to my house, I'd easily have consumed at least 2,000 calories. One of the few memories of my dad involves him bringing home McDonald's for family dinner. I've since come to realize that the McDonald's binge is about daddy. 
  
  
  
• Cookies: When I was a little girl, I thought people who ate store-bought cookies were rich. (We always had homemade cookies.) Nevertheless, my mom would occasionally have a secret stash of Oreos or other store-bought treats. As soon as I figured out where they were, I'd have my way with them. And at Christmas time, my mom always made more Christmas cookies than one family needed. She'd store them in weathered holiday tins in our front vestibule, which was so drafty that it functioned as sort of an icebox for us. I used to sneak into tiny "room," sit down, and eat. As an adult, I love to bake but I also know I need to get the food out of the house as quickly as it has cooled to remove any temptation to binge. I've since come to realize that the Oreos binge is about my longing for my mom and the feelings associated with material goods being out of reach.
  
• Ben and Jerry's: In college, I could toddle down to the on-campus convenience store, purchase a pint of Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream, and eat it all within 10 minutes. All of it. Several times a week. Luckily, I'm now lactose intolerant. Unluckily, Ben & Jerry's dairy-free ice cream is as good as the real stuff. When I want ice cream now, I know this means something is up on the feelings front. 
  
• Ground turkey mixed with mushroom soup and white rice: This was an easy and quick family dinner we called "glop." In my early twenties, I would make and eat an entire pan of it in one sitting - pound of ground turkey, two cans of soup, heaps of rice. I've since come to realize this binge is about longing for family. And I still make this recipe. But, when I crave it, I'll restrict myself to 1/4 pound of turkey from the butcher, a dairy-free soup, and I'll add green beans instead of rice, making a comforting mash-up of "glop" and green bean casserole. 
  

Bulimia will always be with me; I definitely still feel the urge to binge today. On the rare occasion, I give myself permission to this, I try to control the caloric intake by eating things like popcorn, salted, steamed vegetables (e.g., broccoli, carrots), or raw cucumbers. 

This week in the 52 Lists Project, BMG and I are blogging about our favorite foods and treats. What are your favorite foods and treats? Let me know in the comments section below. 

A Few of My Favorite Things (about myself)

What would you say are your best qualities? This is the question posed by the 52 Lists Project this week.

Luckily, I've had nearly 20 years of therapy and introspection to figure this out. So here goes my list of the Top Ten Things I <3 about="" i="" me="">:

1. My honesty and "transparency"
What you see (and hear) with this girl is what you get. For better or worse, if there is something you want to know about me, I'll typically tell you. On the flip side, I don't always have patience for people who obviously lack self-awareness or who deny parts of themselves.

2. My intelligence
Is this a quality, or just luck of the draw? I think the latter. Regardless, I appreciate how smart I am, even if I occasionally temper myself in the interest of not wanting to be perceived as a smarty-pants.

3. My love for my family
This is particularly true for my nuclear family and my siblings' families. I feel lucky that, having grown up with only each other, we still (mostly) want to spend time together. 

4. My deep empathy
Particularly for those who I perceive or who I know have been oppressed for reasons beyond their control (e.g., gender, sex, nation of origin, skin color, sexual orientation).

5. My dislike for overt brand devotion
I grew up poor, which meant brand names were largely out of reach for me. And I experienced them as impregnable walls between me and the "rich kids." As a result, I eschew overt brand devotion as crass braggadocio.

6. My spirit of adventure
My brother-in-law asked me on Friday night if I was truly adventurous, or if I liked the idea of calling myself adventurous. Maybe a little of both, in that I'm selectively adventurous. I won't typically try something I believe will cause harm to me or others, and I'm not always adventurous (sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name). But, I'm typically willing to push my boundaries in the interest of having a good story or discovering something new about myself.

7. My quirks
I am grateful the many ways in which my personality and my style falls outside of the lines of my particular station in life. My love for gnomes,my lack of disgust for nose-picking (everyone does it), my constant willingness to brake for squirrels, my enthusiastic style of dance not unlike that of Elaine Bennes, my nearly daily hula hooping - I could seriously go on. I embrace these things because they make me unlike anyone else I know.

8. My laugh
I don't laugh a lot, but when I do, it is loud and unabashed.

9. Parts of my physical self
I have long struggled with loving my body. Those 20 years of therapy, yeah, they were A LOT about that. But, I'm happy to say there are some physical qualities I have that I like: my breasts, my hourglass shape, my smiley eyes, my skin tone.

10. My generosity
I give 5% of my pre-tax income away to charity, and I give with intention. I love to bake, and I tend to give (nearly) all of it away to my neighbors (see #9 above), I am often willing to compromise my own needs in the interest of helping someone in crisis. BMG sees my generosity as a flaw, as an unfettered doorway to misery and exploitation. But I don't. I am glad to bring a little peace, joy and/or justice into the lives of others, and value this quality in others.