Sunday, December 2, 2012

Fat Girl

I'm the miserable looking one in the plaid shirt on the right.
I'm a 42 year-old woman who grew up thinking of herself as a fat girl. Correct that. I'm a 42 year-old woman who often still thinks of herself as a fat girl.

I've had nearly 20 years of therapy through which I've come to understand my relationship to myself, my childhood understanding of my parents' divorce, and the class struggles that affected my confidence and sense of place. Through therapy I've coped with my irrational personal organization that bordered on OCD, explored why and how I became bulimic, made the transition to four different jobs over a period of 17 years, and ended one and started another long term relationship.

And still I think of myself as a fat girl.

To be fair, I'm on the heavy size of average. After losing 65 pounds back in 2000, I've lost and gained the same 15 pounds over the last six years, and my clothing size has bounced between 10 and 14 over the same period.

My point? I'm not actually fat.

But I sure do think I am.

1 comment:

Meg said...

No, you aren't fat. And you deserve to feel beautiful and healthy and just right, just as you are. But knowing that intellectually and knowing it emotionally are miles apart, just as it is when someone is actually fat, and they have to get it through their head that they're worthwhile and special anyway.

I wish you every good thing in your journey to the former, and thanks for giving me thoughts that help me with the latter. :)